Rock of Love recap Episode 9: Pole emotions

I don't know how I missed Lacey's response to Jes' "you talk down to people".
"I do a better job than you" is a classic retort. Makes me feel she might be a scholar masquerading as a fledgling rock-star.


Recap time? Yeah, 'bout time innit?
'Cause I'm rocking my man', sings Heather as this weeks episode begins. Whilst Lacey notes it's just "me and Heather against Jes and Brandi. Game on!"
Could this have been better scripted?


Enter John to inform the quartet, by way of Bret's note, that the Poison man says 'pack your bags, I found a gig in sin'. Sin, is Las Vegas apparently, and the ladies are taken via limousine to Bret's 'blinged' out tour-bus for a 'Rock and fan Appreciation Show'. The trip doubles-up as an an opportunity for Bret to gauge "how they react to Bret the rock-star" (modest much?)

Arriving at the hotel/casino (Red Rock) Bret instructs the greeting party he requires an immediate sound-check (I usually go straight to my room to eat the chocolates and curse about having to pay $5 for a Snickers in the mini-bar)


Upstairs in the suite, Heather and Lacey share a bubble-bath (worryingly; I am not turned- on) and plot. Brandi is their target because Jes' is no joke.
Jes and Brandi aren't just standing around not being beautiful, they have a plan too...get Heather trashed (positively Machiavellian). And Jes goes further, to say she plans to not get wasted (sings: Why do you have to go and make things so complicated?)


The Concert
The beautiful ones are placed on the front-row to hear Bret's dulcet tones, and they fall over themselves to fawn over him. Jes is "totally mesmerized by him", Brandi thinks the show is "freakin' amazing", Heather is stroking her Bret-tattoo (I made that up) and Lacey is drunk, already. (the best laid plans of mice and men...)

Back-stage after a successful show, it's Corona time, and the band (sans Bret) and a few of the ladies embark on a drinking spree. Lacey and Brandi overdo it as Heather and Jes look-on (later they'll act all embarrassed as if they weren't there from the get-go)
Soon, pandemonium erupts, Brandi farts and Lacey does a great imitation of a sloppy-drunk bitch. (except she's really drunk and she's not a bitch. -read why in my recap of Episode 8)

Thankfully, John interrupts the shameful scene, to yell, "Hey, let's go!" (One can only imagine how he speaks to groupies, smh)
Hanging on to John, Lacey follows the other women to their dinner-date with Bret. But there is time for Brandi to poison Heather's mind with these words "she threw you under the bus" (Uh?)
Seems Lacey told her 'she's gonna get every goddamn bitch' or something like that. Although one wonders when she could have done so? Weren't they in an itsy-bitsy room getting drunk? (maybe I missed it)

For some reason Heather thinks this evidence is compelling, but it's dinner-time and she is hungry.
Bret arrives and concludes 'everyone is drunk' (he's half-wrong). He is amazed at the drunkenness after 15 minutes with his band-mates (Me too. Wtf?)
Lacey collapses at the dinner-table. A 'meltdown collapse', Bret describes (they keep hinting at her being crazy, don't they?), as he asks John to take her to her room. (why am I thinking if it weren't for cameras, John would have taken an age to return)
As she departs, Bret says , "she can't handle the lifestyle"
One drunk down, one to go.

Back at the table, Brandi involuntarily expels her stomach's contents.
Okay, she vomits! And vomits, and vomits. And vomits again. Jes notes the events are a fait accompli when dining with "two drunk fruit loops and a fucking hungry stripper."
Bret assists and as Brandi loses her water-weight in the toilet bowl, we hear the oft-advertised speech that warms Bret's heart.
Half-collapsed on the bathroom's floor, drunk and smelling of vomit, Brandi says to Bret, "I love you and for you I'll let my guard down"
(That's it? Senator Craig has a better pick-up line that that.)

With all the tra-la-la, we are reminded that this is the sleep-with-the-star episode and the choice is between Heather and Jes (what's new?)
Bret opts for Jes (again, what's new?). A disappointed Heather returns to the room with all the food on the table spared by Brandi's 'projectile vomit'

The morning after the night before
I've always heard you speak the truth when you are drunk, and lie, when you're hung-over.
So what happens? Brandi confesses to Lacey and Heather, "I know it in my heart. Bret Michaels is not the one for me"
(I'm thinking this show is fucking Bret's rep with an STD)

Speaking of Bret's rep, what about his night with Jes?
Jes sums it up for you..."Bret and I had a hot night in the City of Sin" (reputation restored)
Pleased with himself, and her; Bret asks Jes to return to Los Angeles so he can spend more time with the others.

Bret schedules a spa for the three ladies and they gather near the hotel pool, where Bret notes, "the girls looked torn up from the floor up" (Some shit just needs to be said in slang)
He singles out Brandi, though and says she "looks a little beat up".
Heather is the first date, however, and they retreat to the massage parlor as Brandi wonders if her confession is gonna cause problems (Duh?)
Brandi is next and their date is at a private cabaña. The perfect setting for Brandi to spit game.
She tells Bret she questioned herself on not being good enough for him but now is able to see them as boyfriend-girlfriend (corny but effective)
Poolside, Lacey tells Heather she is calling-her-out.

The final date is a his-and-her pedicure (Bret deserves applause for this ish) and Lacey goes into snitch-mode and drops Brandi's revelation in Bret's lap. Bret says "you are a little crazy and malicious" but "there is something in the pit of my stomach that makes me not sure about Brandi"

With that, he decides Brandi is returning to Los Angeles and Heather and Lacey will join him for dinner (damn, does this mean Brandi is safe?)

The night after the morning after the night before
At dinner, Bret gets right into the questions. He has to be quick because Heather eats a spoonful every other second.
"Why do you feel that we will work", he asks.
"We both have the same soul", she replies. (women trip me off with their Danielle Steele bullshit)

Lacey suspects Bret has Heather-doubts and he confirms it when he reveals 'Every Rose has its Thorn' was inspired by a dancer who broke his heart (If I hear that song one more time....arghhhh).
He is worried because she was a stripper exotic-dancer too and he's unsure if he can Heather "off that pole and get on top my pole"
(da hell?)
He terms it 'pole-emotions'-------------------------------------)(lmfao)

Seizing the opportunity, Lacey suggests she needs more time with him. An irksome suggestion to Heather who believes she's being stabbed in the back (I guess she thought Lacey would just let her win)
But Lacey is nothing if not self-destructive and she gives up pole-position with this question..."Do you see yourself in a relationship with me?" (Why do women ask that? We are having sex, we are going-out, you are sleeping in my pyjama shirt...why oh why are you tryna formalize the shit? Geesh!)

(Double geesh) I hate that shit!

When women ask questions like that they are likely to receive the answer Bret gave her, "I don't do good, dating a manic-depressive" (lmfao. You see; if you just keep your mouth shut we can continue to have sex and you can continue to be sane)
Lacey pulls it back, though...letting it be known that she is a crazy, psychotic, schizophrenic, manic-depressive because her mother died recently. Unlike the rest of us who cry and grieve, she needs a psychiatrist, pills and plotting to pass the time of mourning. (I think I had a Bubo-moment)

Her faux pas was overlooked, however, as Bret announced Lacey would be spending the night with him. (He don't do good, dating a manic-depressive; but fucking seems to be okay)
We are dogs, aren't we?

In the room, Lacey's foreplay is squeezing the blood out of Bret's thigh. It worked though because he couldn't wait to take her to his rose-petal strewn bed (confident much?)
The next morning Bret escorts Lacey out of the room and gives her the eye-down. The eye-down is the way a man looks over your body -the next morning- when he knows he had you in positions Kama Sutra drawings couldn't describe.
Lacey walks away limping (I'm not kidding, lol)

Eliminations
It's elimination and I believe it's between Lacey and Brandi; although Heather's outfit needs an elimination ceremony of its own.
Bret's first selection is Jes (who has a bigger lead than Secretariat in the Belmont)
Next is Lacey. Whatttttttt? Lacey? (now we know why she was limping. The Toasteee head-lock works every time)

It's down to Brandi and Heather -much to her annoyance. Suddenly the 'Rock of Love' channels 'The Apprentice' and the girls start debating; until...until Brandi concedes.
Bret seems genuinely shocked, and I am talking but-I-wanted-you-to-stay-and-rock-my-world-forever shocked. He says, "beauty is only skin deep when you fuck with people's emotions. I am not the one that jaded you" (Oh damn, is that love talking?)

I am dead certain, Brandi has volunteered to leave when the pass was hers, as she kisses Bret before expressing her regret in her post-elimination speech. But no, it seems I was wrong because Bret asks Heather to receive her pass and continue to rock his world.
She accepts; in her tacky, trashy, skanky, slutty-ass white jigsaw-puzzle dress.

The show ends with their drinking Bret Brew beers (never noticed that before)
Thanks for reading. Tomorrow, I'll recap Episode 8 (we do shit differently around here)


Next week the parents arrive and I swear I heard someone say Lacey is a Presidential scholar (da hell?)