Mission: Man Band

*Steppin up to the mic* Check one, two, one two... is this thing on??

What's goodie, Blogspot Family! Okay, so Steups and The Q graciously hired me to write for The Blogspot about 153 years ago and this is my VERY FIRST POST! *YAY!* My most sincere apologies for having taken so long to post something but things have been BANOODLES as of late. Excuses aside, I have found a little something to wet my appetite whilest I wait for I Love New York 2 to begin *The very THOUGHT of ILNY2 makes my mouth water. Who will be able to take the place of my most beloved Whiteboy?*

Anyway, my appetizer du jour is VH1's reality show Mission: Man Band. Okay, so we're already like 5 episodes into the season so I will not attempt to do huge recaps of each episode. My plan is to give you a brief overview of what the show is about & then a mini-recap of each episode, in the hopes that you will become addicted to this show... even though the season is almost over. *Sorry... shoot me*. You ready to wet your whistle with a splash of Man Band goodness?? Here we go:

The goal of Mission: Man Band, is to pull together four boy band legends from different groups to see if it's possible to create new magic with these once Kings of Pop music. Allow me to introduce you to our four musical prodigies:

1. Chris Kirkpatrick: You may remember Chris as the snarky, not so sexy but humorous member of the phenominally famous group, N*Sync. *Ummm, FYI, Justin Timberlake can STILL get it. Call me JT*

2. Jeff Timmons: Jeff was the sexy, dark haired member of 98 Degrees a.k.a. Jessica Simpon's ex-husbands old group.

3. Rich Cronin: Rich was a member of the one-hit-wonder and ever so forgettable boy band, LFO. *Can you even remember the name of one of LFO's songs? I can't. Im off to Google it*

4. And last, but most certainly not least is Bryan Abrams: Bryan was the SEXAAAAY lead singer of the group Color Me Badd. *I'm not afraid to tell you that I had many wet dreams about Bryan Abrams back in the day. "I wanna sex you up".... Indeed, I did Bryan.*

Now that we have the cast introduced *take your bows, Boys*, let's delve into what they'll be doing during the season. VH1 put all 4 men in a mansion to live together for one month. During this miraculous month, *let's face it, it's going to take a miracle from Jesus to make this band work*, the boys turned men, will create new music, put together a dynamic stage show, and then perform together as a new pop group at different venues and events. One of the things I found most exciting about this little experiment of VH1's, is that they chose UBER Producer Bryan Michael Cox to help the fellas create music. *For some ghastly reason they refer to him as BMC during show. It sounds like a medication for the relief of constipation. I don't approve of it. B. Cox is a WAY better nickname* B. Cox has the Midas touch. He creates tracks for the fellas that are beyond hot and it almost brings me to tears to think of all that magic being wasted on a group that will never go beyond this show. But I digress. Back to the goal... the goal is to see if these former boy band legends can make new music and be successful once again. Another interesting twist is that all of the band members are at different stages in life. Some have gone through divorce, serious illness, & the worst of the lot: having to actually get a day job. Others are financially secure and, in my opinion, just want to be on t.v. again for kicks.

Are you ready for a little mini-recap?? I hope so! I'll try to keep it as short and simple as possible. HEREEEEEEEE WE GO!

Episode One: We are re-introduced to all of the fellas individually and we are given a little taste of what life was like during the highpoint of their careers. *Watching this made me long for a simpler time in my life, when all I did was call New Kids On The Blocks 900/976 number from the people's house I used to babysit for, in the hopes that Donnie Wahlburg would actually answer the phone *sigh** It is during this first episode that I realize that Bryan Abrams now weighs over 300lbs. Don't get me wrong, Bryan is still sexy, but gone is his lean physique that I once lusted over. In its place stands the figure of a husband who's been married too long and just doesn't give a dayum anymore. I myself know what it's like to go from Hottie McHotstein to Super Swoll. My heart aches for Bryan because I know he's gonna catch HELL for his weight gain. Also during this episode, the band is introduced to their new tough-as-nails Manager, Miss Kate. This chick ain't no joke. I mean, I thought I was bad. She's THE WORST! She explains to the fellas that this is NOT a joke and that she will not stand for any bullsh*t from any of them. She also informs Bryan aka Mr. Color Me Badd, that he is to IMMEDIATELY go on a strict diet and lose that weight. *All I can hear in my head is Justin Timberlake's Sexy Back. That needs to be his theme song... forreal* Bryan is willing to do the work... until his new trainer wakes him up at the crack of dawn the following day. The Band just hangs out and gets to know each other a little better during this first episode.

Episode Two: Miss Kate a.k.a Cruella Deville, reveals to The Band that they will be working with aforementioned uber producer Bryan Michael Cox *I shall refer to him as B. Cox from now on... cuz I think it's HOT. Sue me.* There is one catch: The fellas have to pass a test which is to write lyrics to a B. Cox track. Most of these dudes haven't written down anything except their dinner orders over the last 7 years or so. B. Cox is LESS then impressed with their lyrical gifts and has no problem letting them know that. *That ish was HEE-LARRY-US. PLEASE try to catch a rerun of this episode* Did I forget to mention that the mansion The Band is living in is none other then the home of Chris Kirkpatrick? Yeah... Chris doesn't strike me as the type of kat who puts up with any bullish in his house. This should be interesting. The fellas decide to throw a HUGE party at the crib to celebrate their new adventure together. Only problem with that is that Bryan *not B. Cox, but Color Me Badd* is only 2 months sober and there is alcohol EVERYWHERE in this house and at this party. Bryan swears he didn't touch any alcohol but CLEARLY the kat is PLASTERED by the end of the episode. Will this be the downfall of The Band????? *playing scary music sound DUN DUN DUUUUUUNN*

Episode Three: The drama begins during episode three!! *Sittin back eating popcorn and watchin the trainwreck* The Band realizes that Bryan's been drinking and they are afraid that his alcoholism will be the downfall of the group. *Come on, really?? AS IF!* Chris Kirkpatrick pulls Bryan to the side and explains that its very important that he remain sober. Bryan swears that it was a one time incident and it will never happen again. He even manages to muster up some tears which I LOVE. *It sort of reminded me of Romance's frequent breakdowns on I Love New York. "UNPROFESSIONAL!" That's the best line in the history of reality t.v., with the exception of, "PUT YA PAPER NEW YORK! PUT YA PAPER UP!!!", which was also delivered by Romance. Awww Romance, where are ya, Love?!?* The Band gathers to listen to B. Cox's new single and they are LOVING it. Bryan loves it so much that he decides to start drinking on the low low... he didn't even keep that promise for 3 hours. Now to add MORE stress to the dieting and alcoholic Bryan's life, Miss Kate announces that The Band will be performing during the half time show for the Orlando Magic *basketball team people*. THAT would've made me dive head first into a cake holding a bottle of Vodka in one hand and a bottle of OJ in the other. Not only are they worried about Bryan drinking again but now they have to pull together an entire show in 3 days to perform in front of tens of thousands of people?? What is this Manager thinking?? Which is exactly what The Band wants to know. They all start thinking that this is a conspiracy to set them up for failure and embarrassment. *YA THINK?!??!* This sends Bryan straight to the vodka bottle... again. Everyone notices that he's SLOSHED. Chris totally cusses Bryan out and tells him that he needs to MAN UP and stop making excuses about the drinking and pull it together! *This show of Thug-ness almost makes me crush on Chris a little... ALMOST* Chris then makes Bryan pour out all of the remaining liquor in the house. *So everyone has to suffer... nice!*

Episode Four: Okay, so The Band TOTALLY blows the sound check for their show. I'm sick to my stomach at the thought of these poor dudes having to perform in front of this audience at half time. THE RIDICULE! OH I almost forgot! Rich *the dude from LFO or UFO or whatever the group name was* CANNOT for the life of him, remember his lyrics! I mean, the kid resorts to writing the lyrics on his hand before the show. There is NO WAY I would've stepped on that stage! *My guts are broken from laughter and worry all rolled into one delicious ball!* The Band tells Miss Kate that they think she's TRIPPIN and that they don't want to do the show because they know they're not ready and that they are 100% positive that they are going to get boo'd. *They are 100% right* Miss Kate a.k.a. The Manager From Hell, feeds them some b.s. about how they ARE ready and they CAN do it, and they agree to follow her lead. Despite their nerves, they actually don't do THAT badly at the show. I was NERVOUS!!!!!!!!! My guts were bubbling, hands were shaking, and heart was racing. They did pretty good though and that track by B. Cox is THE TRUTH! Then, as they are walking off the basketball court into the dressing room, the BOO's start. I mean these dudes were getting MAJORLY boo'd. I felt so bad for them. I swear, I wanted to mail a cheesburger marinated in Vodka directly to Bryan just to ease the pain! The Band blames Miss Kate for their failure and embarrassment. *Rightfully so! That heffa is CUH-RAZY* Even the mellow B. Cox rips them a new way and gives them this HOT speech where he's telling them that he "WILL NOT be part of a wack project!!!" *That ish was sexxay. Holla atcha girl B. Cox* The Band wants to fire Miss Kate but ultimately decides to try to let it go. And then, Miss Kate loses what little bit of her mind there was to begin with. She wakes all of the fellas up the next morning and FORCES them to listen to the radio station D.J.'s BASH them left and right. I mean D.J. after D.J. is just handing these guys chunks of their ASSES! *Way to go Miss Kate! They're not quite suicidal enough at this point... push em over the edge girlfriend!* It is at this point that Chris gets GANGSTA again and tells the fellas she GOTSTA GO! *Handle that heffa, Chris!!*

Episode Five: This brings us up to last last weeks episode, which would make us CURRENT! YAY! Wait, I left something out. I'm trying to crunch all of this information into one article and I left out one huge detail: The Bands name. It took forever and a day to come up with the name but the fellas settled on, Sureshot. *I know... don't even say it. * Anyway, during this last episode, Chris a.k.a. Gangsta Boogie, hands Miss Kate some more of her ass on a platter. They basically make her beg to keep her job, *They didn't make her beg enough as far as I'm concerned. Miss Kate is the Anti-Christ of managers. Fellas, I'm into management. Hit me up on My Space and Ill give you the 800# to my offices. Mama will hook you up!* After all was said and done, Miss Kate still had a job and the fellas were ready to create their first music video! Chris comes up with a concept to spoof themselves. Sort of a "we're gonna make fun of US before YOU can" type thing. *I'm not sure this was the best idea in the world but hey, can it get much worse?? INDEED, it can!* OMG, the BEST part of this episode is when Bryan's wife and baby daughter come to visit him for a few days. The only nice thing this chick says the ENTIRE episode is that she notices that Bryan has lost weight. *He lost like 10lbs I think. I can't tell the difference but whatver. At least the boy is trying* Bryan's wife has MAD attitude with Jeff, *98 degrees hottie* for something that he did like 853 years ago while they were on tour with Color Me Badd. She also gets an attitude because Bryan's unable to spend quality time with her. *HEFFA, he's at WORK! GEEZUS!* The icing on top of my reality t.v. cake was when all of these HOT A** chicks come to the house to audition for dance spots in the fellas video. These chicks got on boy shorts, thongs, tights, and mini tank tops and they are doing the splits and stretching and shaking their money makers allllll up in Mrs. Color Me Badd's face. IM LOVING IT! Mrs. Color Me Badd was looking like she wanted to stab one of the McNasty Dancers. GOD BLESS VH1 for this moment!!!!!!!!! The episode ends with Mrs. Color Me Badd questioning Bryan's committment to their marriage. *GIMME A BREAK HEFFA! This chick isn't that hot. She needs to hang onto Bryan while she can. Because I'm telling you, once he's done deswollifying, (yes, it's word. MY word!) and he's brought sexy back, IT'S A WRAP for Mrs. Color Me Badd. Maybe VH1 will give her an I Love New York type show?? I can only hope.*

Make sure you tune in this week for the final episode of the season, where Sureshot gears up to perform at one of Miami's hottest clubs. Will they be able to redeem themselves or is Miss Kate chipped beef on toast?? WHO KNOWS! Rumor has it that things between Chris and Miss Kate might come to "blows". Tune in to find out! The show will air on VH1, Monday night at 7pm Pacific/10pm Eastern. Make sure to verify times with your local listings. I promise to write a recap of the episode tomorrow night! Oh, and make sure you visit Sureshots My Space page at MYSPACE.COM/SURESHOTBAND.

Until next time... don't be a swagger jacker! Get a swagg of your own!

*You've just experienced some informative and obsessed Liciousness*