Rock of Love Recap Episode 5 Pt 1

Well, I missed last week's episode, but by most accounts it appears Rock of Love isn't living up to expectations. Until this Episode...

Ignoring tradition, this week's episode begins immediately after 'Eliminations' as Bret retreats to his bedroom for an early night, leaving the ladies to ponder over his decisions.
Brandi M isn't one for ceremony and gets wasted, annoying everyone in the process. (The Q. is wasted as she types. Who's give a flying f@ck if they are annoyed?) But not for long though, as they all retire to bed soon after. (makes you wonder why they bothered with this scene at all)

The next day, Brandi is hungover (I know how that feels, I've been hung for over twenty years) and Lacey is hung up on not winning any challenges. She needs to win these challenges for one on one time with Bret, she 'guesstimates'.
Coincidentally another opportunity arises, as downstairs, uniforms and Bret's message inform them that their latest challenge involves football (or rather that rugby-looking thing Americans call 'football')

The ladies were divided into two teams of four players....'The Sweethearts' (Brandi M, Jes, Magdalena and Mia) and 'The Fallen Angels' (Heather, Lacey, Erin and Sam)
The teams will compete in the Bret Michaels 1st Annual Mud Football Game (I guess he thinks he'll get another show. Hmph!) and the winners receive an awesome date, sans their MVP whose prize is a special date with Bret. (LUCCCCCCKEEEEEEEEEE, maybe he'll remove the wig, which is worst than any wig New York ever wore.)

All dressed in their tank-tops and sweats, the ladies were faced with something resembling 'the frozen tundra of Lambeau field', except it wasn't frozen but muddy and damp. (I wonder if the ladies reading this know what Lambeau field is?)
Sam notes the conditions and wishes she were somewhere else (I used to like you Sam but all this emo shit is just too much) but Jes seems enthusiastic, and Heather too. She used to be a tom-boy you know (with that jawline? You coulda fooled me?)

It's game-time however, with Bret quarter-backing for both teams, John as the referee and some guy named Rodney Scott as the coach (never heard of him. I know a Rodney Scott Harrison, but he ain't him)

On the first play from scrimmage, Sam had this to say about her efforts, "I attempted a tackle but I kind of ended up giving Magdalena a really big hug."
Surprisingly, the ladies aren't bad at all, or maybe it's just good editing. Jes scores a touch-down to give 'The Sweethearts' the lead and then fells Lacey who twists her ankle as she falls clumsily.
The end result is someone has to be benched on 'The Sweethearts' to make it 3 vs 3, and that person turned out to be Brandi M's hungover ass -literally and figuratively.

1-2 hike, and we are back again.
First Jes makes a play any defensive back would be proud of, then she catches for another TD. It's time for Heather to step-up and that she does; running for yardage then receiving for a touch-down to halve the lead. On the ensuing play she takes a short dump-pass (a la the West Coast offense) then bludgeons her way to an equalizing touch-down (losing her pants in the process)
Oh man, I'm actually enjoying this....

The scores are tied, five seconds to go, and Brett decides to go deep, with Jes the target.
Heather tries to give her the old Deion Sanders bump but Jes does not break stride and catches the pass as she slips and slides on the mud.
Touch-down!

Jes is the MVP, her team-mates earn the awesome date and the "bunch o' broken bitches" as Brandi describes them; return home in their mini-van.

At home, Jes is all nerves as she prepares for her 'special date', whilst Lacey got on my last nerve saying, "if I can't win these challenges, I may as well spend my time trying to knock these bitches outta here."

One of those bitches, I presume, is Erin, and as she speaks to her manager (Josh) on the phone, Lacey eavesdrops. Erin learns Justin Timberlake is expected at her workplace (The Underground) and she's upset she missed the opportunity to serve him.
Lacey spills the beans to Heather who thinks writing a letter to Bret about it, and other things is a good idea.
Bret has to wait to read it, though; because it's date-time.

A nervous Jes is escorted by John to a restaurant where she meets Bret on-stage and he sings to her....
He sings because he sucks at dating (what's the big deal? I always suck on my dates and have never had a complaint, lmao)
The date goes well and Jess looks like a million bucks. Forget that; she looks like the Iraq War Budget...the girl is beautiful. (She is beautiful. She should've starred in the 'BRATZ' movie.)
The two make that connection and Jes confesses her last relationship ended when her bf slept with her bff (sounds like bs to me). They kiss tenderly and Jes says, "let me tell ya, he's a good kisser", and "not only do we have that emotional connection, we finally figured out we have this physical connection too."
The date ends with Jes assured of receiving her VIP pass.

The next morning is not a red-letter day as Heather's letter has Bret in a stew, "I'm starting to read this letter but I'm ready to go insane" (sounds like one of Q's email)(What are you typing about? I give as good as I get.)
"Yo Heather", he beckons.

Heather is worried but Bret says he believes her because she's here for him. Heather feels comforted as Bret leaves for his date with the remaining sweethearts, Brandi M, Magdalena and Mia.



Read Pt 2 (Which implant having Bret Breezy gets eliminated? Let us scroll down!)