Could It Be An Actual Recap?

'Rock of Love' episode 'Riff It Good' begins with a beautiful nighttime scenic view of Los Angeles, California. The Bret Beezys are hanging out in the 'Rock of Love' mansion. Heather appears to be playing bartender yet again. Her #1 patron is Brandi C. who requests a vodka drink. In the Chickfessional Brandi C. states, "My best friend Kristia, she went home. And I need to drown my sorrow with liquor." A second later she asks for, cha-pag-nay a.k.a. champagne (sham-peyn). No class comes in all colors. Trash knows no racial limits. The partying continues. Cindy a.k.a. Rodeo is in the mist of the action. However, she is looking distant and sad. We watch her remove herself from the festivities. Rodeo in the Chickfessional, "It just hit me that I miss my son. God, I miss my son." Lacey noticing a tearful Rodeo decides to run off and tattle tell to Bret. Lacey views Rodeo's emotional meltdown as a chance to get her out of the house. Bret finds Rodeo and attempts to assuage her. This moment is the incipient end for the self proclaimed Sheriff. *tips make believe snake skin cowgirl hat

Meanwhile the remaining half of the Bar-bee Twins realizes she is tired of the other Bret Beezys. ::BREAKING NEWS The Q. is tired of the Bar-bee Twins half or whole!:: Brandi C. decides she needs to spend some time with her boyfriend. She attempts to visit Mr. Michaels behind the red doors. Big John denies her entry. She pleads and whines. Big John tells her it ain't happening tonight. (D@mn Tiffany caused Big John to fold like a cheap lawn chair. Where is Brandi C.'s begging skills?)

New day or later on that day, we see Bret Michaels. The ladies are told their latest challenge. The challenge is a song writing and performance contest. The women will form five teams of tnein (2). The members of the winning team will each win a solo date with Bret. The women are excited about getting some one on one time with their man. Bret announces the teams. The pairs are Lacey & Erin, Rodeo & Mia, Brandi C. & Sam, Magdalena & Heather and Brandi M. & Jes.

We get to peep out how the teams are working with one another. Rodeo is writing up a storm and decides to sing her masterpiece. After her practice run, she bursts into the most contagious laugh. Rodeo is proud of herself. She knows she's going to win that one on one time with Bret. Mia on the other hand is like, 'What the f@ck?!' Lacey and Erin are sitting on the floor. Lacey is writing and working the song out. Erin is lost, almost clueless. Lacey attempts to tutor her in the art of playing the tambourine. Erin appears to have zero skills. ( I was positive her Gummy Bear implants would assist her in this challenge. I was WRONG!) Sam & Brandi C. are working it out. Well Sam is actually, thanks to her creepy like journal (per Brandi C., not I) . Blonds may or may not have more fun. I'll type this; those two sure in the hell can't sing. *beats dogs until they stop howling along with Brandi C.'s singing Heather and Mandalena seem to be working together. Heather is having some issues with Magdalena's lyrics. (I'm having issues with her voice.) However, you have to give Magdalena an A for effort. Brandi M. & Jes are chillin'. They haven't a clue to where to begin. Basically all they do is smoke and drink. Therefore they are lost.

It's challenge time. Bret is looking forward to seeing what the women have come up with. Richard Blade will be a guest judge alongside Bret and Big John. Lacey and Erin perform. I retract that last statement. Lacey performs. Erin stares at her feet. I retract that statement too. (There is no way in hell she can see her feet past those gigantic boobs.) Erin stares at her cleavage. Heather and Magdalena are next. They seem to be working well together. Whoever came up with this singing challenge should be shot in the foot. Jes and Brandi M. deliver a punk rock performance of sorts. They are raping guitars strings and belting out lyrics. As if they are possessed by Courtney Love on heroin. Mia & Rodeo are next. Their voices are the most bearable. However, I hear lyrics talking about kids. I am so sorry ladies. I don't get the connection or message. Rodeo does have a decent voice. (At least we all know who Mia is now.) Sam and Brandi C. bring up the rear. Brandi C.'s singing is worst than her irritating @ss personality. Sam's voice is a little better. I can't get past their voices. So honestly, I can't understand the lyrics. I think the chorus was blood, lace & mice. (WTF!) After their performance Bret questions them about their lyrics. Sam explains that they have doubts whether he really likes them or if it's a facade. In the Rockfessional Bret shares, "I think Sam is harboring some severe mistrust issues that I would be dealing with in the near future." (DUH...ya think?)

Right now, I want all the readers to know. The Q. is dead tired. My head hurts. I feel like I am about to faint. But you deserve a written recap. Therefore a written recap is what you shall get. WARNING: There will be excessive typos, figure it out.

Alright it's time for the Bret Beezys to receive their critiques. Richard tells Heather and Magdalena that it was a great team effort. He likes their lyrics. He asks who was the main force behind the lyrics. Heather raises her hand. Richard compliments her. Magdalena not to be outdone states, she equally contributed. Richard tells Jes and Brandi M. they looked terrific. However, he would've preferred the performance without the guitars. Erin and Lacey, I forgot what he said. Richard thought Rodeo and Mia gave a great performance. They worked good together. However, he wasn't getting the child related lyrics. Bret interjects that Rodeo had an anxiety attack due to missing her son. Richard says he wasn't aware of the situation. He advises Rodeo not to channel energy of missing her son into the song. It's time for Brandi C. & Sam to receive their critique. Richard thought the lyrics were good. However, the singing was unintelligible.

Drumroll please!

It's a tie between Team Heather & Magdalena and Team Sam & Brandi C. There will be no solo dates. Bret will take out Heather & Magdalena that night. And next day Sam & Brandi C. will get their date. The Bret Beezys have mixed reactions concerning the tie situation. Heather in the Chickenfessional states, "It's awesome that we won. But at the same time, a tie? I mean f@cking come on. That's such a cop out Bret." Blowfessional time for Brandi C., "Bret decides it's a tie. First of all that's bullsh!t. The other team didn't do as well as us. Heather and Magdalena sucked." (Brandi C. you sucked plenty in that porn. Hush child!) After the challenge, Rodeo breaks down again. She is missing her son something fierce. In addition, she is bummed about not getting an opportunity to spend more time with the 'Rock God'. Lacey and Brandi C. are lounging on their backs, watching Rodeo's tearworks. Brandi C. says to Lacey, "Everytime you turn around, she's crying. ...I know it sucks...If she's in an emotional state because of her kid, then I understand. But at the same time, I prepared myself. I miss my cat. I'm not kidding. Abnormally, I miss her." Blowfessional again for Brandi C., "Rodeo is kind of an attention whore. And she's really getting annoying. Girl needs to get her emotions in check." Rodeo is still crying as Mia & Jes attempt to console her.

It's time for winners Heather & Magdalena to go out with Bret. Heather is wearing a black corset, strapless top with a sparkling mini skirt. Magdalena is wearing a black dress. Bret compliments the Beezys on their performance. Mandalena brings up Rodeo's emotional state in the limousine. They arrive at 'The Geisha House' an upscale Japanese sushi restaurant. Bret informs the women that they must teach him the art of dating. Magdalena decides to be cute. She brings up Heather's stripping. Bret asks Heather how much longer she plans on dancing. She said her plan is to dance for 5 years. She is currently at 4 1/2 years. So in 6 months, she is quitting. In the Manfessional the Polish Wonder shares her insight on the situation, "Every stripper will tell you, 'I'm quitting next month' She's not going to quit stripping. She doesn't know how to do anything else any d@mn way." In a Rockfessional moment with Bret, we learn he has a big heart for dancers. A hostess in a lovely kimono approached the table with two gorgeous electric guitars. (Very nice move Bret!) Bret is having a really good time. He mentions he in not ready to go back to the 'Rock of Love' mansion. They talk of getting tattoos and piercings. Heather mentions getting a tattoo on the back of her neck ... B-R-E-T. She shares a passionate kiss with Bret. In the Rockfessional we learned Bret wants the tattoo to be more of a private affair between the two of them. He is also thinking Heather could be the one. On the way back in the limousine, we see a 3way kiss. Heather and Magdalene kiss Bret at the same time. I'll call it a Kissome (think kissing 3some).

The kissing trio arrive back at the 'Rock of Love' mansion. As they enter, Bret appears to be lit as in drunk. He stumbles a bit. They continue partying. Heather removes her top and dances. Chickfessional time with Jes, ".... completely trashed, this is the 139th time, I've seen Heather's t!ts." We get glimpse of Sam glowering down on the events. B.B. a.k.a. Brandi M. looks drunk & confused at the bar. Sam has had enough and walks off. Topless Heather smashes a guitar, as Bret encourages her. Heather, Lacey, Brandi C. & Bret decide to take the party to his bed. *thinking a F.F.-some!

Next morning, Brandi M., Erin, Mia and Jes are outside talking smack. Lacey joins the chat to see what all the uproar is about. She quickly discovers the F.F.-some has the others heated. She is thrown a few questions. Lacey refuses to answer any questions about the activities behind the red doors. Lucky us, it's time for Sam & Brandi C. date. Bret takes them to Paramount Ranch to partake in horseback riding. I'd give you more details. But I am tired. Frankly the date bored me to death and I wasn't even there. Brandi C.'s head was in the clouds. Sam and Bret walked off to share a private moment. The topic of Sam's trust issues came up. They ended up passionately kissing.

Electra is somewhere praying for me. I know this. I am finally at the f@cking elimination ceremony. Bret speaks to the women, "Good evening ladies, you look beautiful as always. Tonight we've got 10 beautiful women. And we've got 8 passes left. ...2 of you are unfortunately going to be going home this evening. Tonight, I am going to do things differently. Rodeo would you come down here please?... I want you to go home and see your little boy & give him a hug from me. Okay?" They embrace. He continues in a soft voice, "You need to go home and see your baby boy." He gives her a custom made hat. In the Rockfessional he shares that Rodeo meant a lot to him. He could tell that the combination of missing her son and the insanity of the house was tearing her apart. He needed to let Rodeo go with dignity. He walks her to the door. We can see letting Rodeo go, hit him hard. I believe he cried. He pulls himself together and starts giving out the V.I.P. passes. Mia, Jes, Erin, B.B. a.k.a. Brandi M., Magdalena & Sam receive their passes. Bret tells the remaining 3 ladies he has only 2 passes left. The irony is the 3 remaining were part of the F.F.-some. Lacey receives a pass and then Heather. Brandi C. is eliminated. (I am finally free of the Bar-bee Twins.) *does the Rumpshaker dance to celebrate

After being eliminated a tearful Brandi C. cries, "I'm just really shocked, really shocked right now. I can't believe he'd keep people like Erin or like Jes & Mia. It's so obvious how much I like him. And he's going to let me go above those others." Toast time Brets informs the Bret Beezy's his liver isn't doing so swell. It's going to be a water toast. D@mn Bret, where's the cha-pag-ney?

In the B!tchfessional we hear Lacey speak, "Now that Brandi C.'s gone. Heather and I definitely have our agenda now. We're going to stop concentrating so much on the partying. And start focusing on the girls who are wrong for Bret. (He hunts. Look into the mirror Lacey!) And you know what we are going to be targeting them one by one. And getting them out of here one by one." (There is a 666 birthmark somewhere on her body. I know it.)

A traumatized Qmoment!