Rock of Love Reunion Show recap

So, no Lala hosting...and in her place we had Ricky Rachtman, former host of Headbanger's Ball -an MTV show your mother used to watch.
Surprisingly he was alright, albeit groupie-ish.

Viewers would have been immediately surprised by Heather's hair which is now platinum; and Bret's hair which seemed to be not his; but I am no hair-expert. But these shows need to build excitement so first on stage -at least for tv it was- were Kristia and Brandi C.
Dressed in almost matching corset-type wedding-type dresses they didn't take long to remind us why they were nobody's favorites. Asked if their friendship continued away from the cameras, we learn they are room-mates and sleep together; although not in the way everyone hoped.
There was conversation about a road-trip, their car troubles on the Utah-Wyoming border and their not being able to use a camera to film themselves.
Nothing exciting there...

Rodeo and her annoyingly emotional self was next; and between clips of her on the show and plugging her brand of barbecue sauce, she asks Bret for a second chance.
Her actual words were, "I fell for you on the show. If it doesn't work out, I want you to give me a second chance, if you're able to." (is it me, or do people have no shame on reality television?)

From one emotional wreck to another and it was Sam's turn to address Bret. Sam wore red (could have been pink because my television isn't the best with colors) and left the audience red-faced after she confirmed Bret had a threesome(s) and was sleeping with Lacey.
I didn't notice it, but one commenter (read the 20th comment) believes heated words were exchanged but edited out of the Reunion Show. I guess we'll have to buy the DVD.
What wasn't edited out was Bret describing their parting..."it was a great sort of fuck-you-goodbye kiss."
But, as most men do when they meet an ex (she's sorta an ex I think) he went overboard..."in a different world things might have been different for us, (but) that -the show- wasn't the place"

No offence to Sam, but she is the type of girl that inspired the Verve Pipe's song 'The Freshmen'. Luckily we didn't have to wait long for the star of the Rock of Love, Lacey, to appear.

Now, I love Lacey, but she tries too hard to be a villain when it comes so naturally. She wore a black dress, naturally; and immediately got into calling these hypocrites out.
Confronted about her sexual escapades on the show she was quick to reply, "at least I am not out there doing porn." (like Brandi C and Brandi M)
She admits to having sex with Bret; but reminds us she's a 31yr old. (and looking damn good for 31)
When asked if she may have spent too much time discussing the other women when she was with Bret, she replied, "trust me, when he was with me, those girls were the last thing on his mind"

At this point the show turned into the Lacey Show. Mia attacked her for streaking and shoving her vagina in her face; Brandi says she didn't want Bret because he had sex with Lacey, and the host got all upset and stan-ish because Lacey said Bret 'did' the show to pump his career.

But before all that we had Dallas and Lacey side by side on the couch. Dallas tried to get all logical and shit; pointing to the hypocrisy of her being with Bret, a serial leather wearer, whilst being a PETA advocate.
But Lacey brushed it off, as she should, and apologised to Dallas.
She also presented Dallas with a t-shirt with the words 'Dallas loves Michael Vick' on it; and suggested Dallas and Vick should hook up. To which Dallas replied "I don't date black men..." (I swear God made me erase what I wrote here)

Oh, I forgot to mention, Lacey and her band, 'Nocturne', performed a song titled 'Shallow'. (hopefully I'll forget it again at the end of this recap)

Heather came next and patched things with Lacey before stating she has had additional tattoos and asked Ricky to reveal her latest. It turned out to be the word 'SUCKS' under the infamous 'BRET' tattoo but she later confessed it was a fake.
At this point Bret returned to the stage -he'd gone away earlier- and hugged a teary-eyed Heather. There was interplay between the two until it became rather serious when Heather said "he hurt me" (awwwwwwwwww) before she returned to her seat in the audience.

So, the stage was set for Jes to answer the question we all want to know, 'are they together or not?'
Not!
Jes, described the situation as a "complete mind-fuck" before questioning Bret's sincerity because he had John escort her to her room at the hotel after the final elimination at the mansion. Bret, who seemed taken aback, offered a feeble explanation that he was merely adhering to the terms of his contract, but Jes had other things on her mind.

Sensing weakness on his part, she went for the kill, "if it was real for you, I think you made the wrong decision", she said. She explains Heather was the 'one' for Bret and not her. A sad-looking Bret could only agree as Jes left the stage to hug Heather and offer one last ego-maniacal quote, "I don't give a fuck what America thinks of me right now, it is the truth."

The truth, Jes; is that you are a sad bitch.

Pictures courtesy the VH-1 blog. Go read their interview with Jes