Where Does An Old B@tch Begin?

This is my first full recap. And it may be my last ...Steups is the recap man and well it's his blog. You all never realize how much 'drama' goes on behind the scenes on this blog. Babies let me tell you, some people in e-mail behave like 'Cujo' on steroids. It gets ugly up in my e-mail. But have no fear ...I am a pit bull on crack. I will
f@ck a muthaf@ckah up...trust.

Anyhow, Q. is about to recap 'Charm School' Episode 2. And Episode 2 was off the chain! I absolutely loved it. The girls have settled in and they are showing their @sses (some literally). I love these women. And watching Episode 2 reminded of why I loved 'Flavor of Love' so very much. As a VH-1 viewer I rather watch women being catty than men being
b@tches. And that is on the real folks. Thank God for estrogen power. The only thing that could make 'Charm School' better in my mind is ...if Whiteboy was a 'Kissing Instructor' in each and every episode. And Quanda cast as his assistant to demonstrate how to properly kiss, fondle his body, rip off his clothes, lick my.....Oh my goodness, I am so sorry! My apologies, I am all caught up and twisted by that man's swagger. Let us get on with this recap before I start perving his mySpace page again.

'Charm School' Episode 2 begins with a shot of a melon colored room. We hear a 'heavenly' voice singing 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' and it's Heather one of The Balcony Brawlers. I may never get a Krazy interview after this comment. But to hell with it ..."Why the
f@ck is Krazy singing nursery rhymes?!" I am sorry Nevaeh but d@mn baby sing something like 'Come to Me' or the chorus to T-Pain's 'Buy U a Drink' ..."Ohh, ohh, ohh we in the the bed like ohh, ohh, ohh." Just don't make no d@mn sense to me. Becky The Blackest White Girl is getting dressed in her 'Charm School' uniform. Then we flash to the Charmfessional where Buckwild shares a tidbit with us, " Heather really thinks she's Diana Ross or something. Like super diva of all divas walkin' around the house like she Mariah Carey. I am just like shut the hell up." Thank you Becky from the pits of my evil soul ....mwuahahahahaha.

Downstairs the 'Charm School' beauties are munching on some breakfast.
D@mn they have a school intercom in that b@tch (b@tch = house). So Mo'nique chimes in on the intercom, "Good morning ladies. Please put on your full uniforms and meet me downstairs in the Grand Hall for your next lesson." We then see some pulling up of knee highs and lotioning of thighs. VH-1 sure in the hell keeps the male audience happy ...don't they? The ladies gather in the Grand Hall. Mo'nique reminds the 'Charm School' students of the third commandment; Thou Shalt Show Some Class. I'm thinking this is about to be a tough one. Mo'nique mentions something about representing yourself properly in public. And if you act a fool you'll be treated like a fool. ( All I have to say is let a b@tch cut me in line. It going to get crackin' ...wherever I am...word!) Mo'nique introduces the 'Charm School' Etiquette Coach Colette Swan. Whoa, no disrespect but this broad is stuffier than a 2 year old's booger filled nose during flu season. I felt a breeze and I wasn't even in the Grand Hall. Anyhow the lady has some sort of school. I should figure it out but to hell with details. I am not a commercial. All of the sudden we get to see Schatar The Crazy Girl (right?). Hottie is talking about being a direct descendant of royalty. Omg...this made me spit up my Cherry Coke. She also states that she has a grasp of proper etiquette. I wish she would grasp that she must brush her pet. Wig It is looking a bit tangle-ly. In spite of her own hair issues she looks to her left. Hottie notices that Heather is wearing red hooker heels. " You'd think she might know better. But maybe that's her day job."

Lawd hammercy, Miss Swan begins the lesson. She instructs Becky to walk and sit in the chair. She isn't too thrilled with The Blackest White Girl's performance. And informs her that she could see her Britney (think vagina ....HaHaHaHaHa). Colette is uppity but her humor is on point. Back to the Charmfessional, Becky is talking about letting Sargeant Jones see her little vagina. (Buckwild we need to talk!) Next is Goldie, and Colette tells her that she's swinging her butt. Message to Miss Swan ...when one has an @ss it swings ...thank you. We see a variety of the 'Charm School' students walk the carpet. Colette is merciless. And then it's Heaven's *coughs Heather's turn. The founder of Colette Swan's School of Etiquette notices her shoes. And she delivers her critique of Heather's shoe choice. She refers to the red hooker heels as "stripperish."

Now they must walk with books on their heads. Becky is first and struggles. Toasteee of all people states, "Becky is very unlady like. This girl has no charm." Oh hell another potential interview is about to go up in smoke. Ummmm....charmed any penises lately Jennifer? And the bigger question is, was it recorded? Fall back off of Buckwild ...enough typed. Cristal is next. She's not too enthused about messing up her Mohawk. She nails the walking with book on head. *claps Was it me or were the rest of you wanting to see how Saaphyri put the book on her head with that 'Pebbles' ponytail going on?

Moving on ...it's table manners time. Let us all say a prayer for Darra The Slob. While some of you are sleeping on Like Dat. This thicky thick sister is bringin' her 'A' game. And I am loving it. Miss Swan shows the ladies hand signs to make at the table to help them remember the proper placement of things. I instantly thought gang signs at the table. I wasn't the only one. Saaphyri in the Charmfessional says, " In my neighborhood or at my table , with my family ...if we would've thrown up some gang signs we would've got slapped across the head...." Smiley is looking confused. I will say she is a looker. Courtney The Puker takes her turn in the Charmfessional. Oh Goldie, "D@mn
b@tch, open your ears. It's not that hard." Colette asks the confused Leilene The Crier to make a toast. And she delivers one with clinks on top of clinks.

Alrighty, we discover that 'The Bachelor' Andrew Firestone is coming to evaluate the 'Charm School' ladies. Andrew is a cutie. He is going to be judging the girls on grace, poise and being able to handle yourself in any situation. The 12 remaining students must pick a partner to sit and chat up Andrew. Their goal is to outshine their partner. The six ladies that charm Mr. Firestone get to eat dinner with him. And the two who outshine the others get to have dessert. The one who outshines the other during dessert gets to present a wine for the Firestone winery.

Krazy's dress and suits are missing. The culprit is Schatar. Poor, poor victim Heather she is ripe for slaughter. We see crying, excessive whining and screaming from Heather. Huh...how about look for your dress?! Pumkin being a sweetie, searches for the missing attire. Missing attire found, Heather puts on her $400 dress. It's a nice dress ...I don't know about $400 though. ( I am cheap and on a budget.)

So the pairs sit on a love seat and chat up Mr. Firestone. *Quanda blinks eyes $$$.

Darra The Slob vs. Saaphyri The Fighter = The Slob wins.
Cristal The Egomaniac vs. Buckeey The Balcony Brawler = The Egomaniac wins.
Courtney The Puker vs. Leilene The Crier = The Crier wins.
Becky The Blackest White Girl vs. Jennifer The Porn Girl = The Blackest White Girl wins.
Brooke The Spitter vs. Larissa The Hater = The Hater wins.
Schatar The Crazy Girl vs. Heather The Balcony Brawler = The Crazy Girl wins.

So the six victorious 'Charm School' charmers sit to have dinner. I remember one person at dinner. It was Cristal The Egomaniac. She basically said, " I ...I ...well I ...personally...I ...I ...I" Yep, I remember Cristal. Thank God, Andrew remembered more than I. He selects Darra and Schatar to share dessert with his cute $elf. Darra is serving it. She is showing poise and grace. Schatar sees this and pulls out all of the stops. We see tears of grief based on her physician mother's car accident. The accident apparently left her mother stuck in a wheelchair for two years. (Is this a true story? Or did she pull that out of her @ss?) Bottom line Schatar comes out the winner. Andrew Firestone chooses Schatar to present a new product presentation. Schatar is overjoyed. She gives a victory walk/dance and then regains her composure. Darra feels conned and robbed ...LMAO.


Back in the room Brooke has displayed Schatar's allege dirty panties over her picture. Brooke shame on you! Schatar the queen of composure or delusions doesn't let it ruffle her feathers a bit. I love it when that woman blinks.

People, I am not cut out for recaps. But I said I'd do it. So moving right along next day...Schatar's limousine swoops her up for her Firestone presentation. Flash to Schatar arriving at the Firestone winery. She steps out to greet Andrew. As they make their way inside she trips AND FALLS. I love Hottie *coughs Schatar. (VH-1 please I need a Schatar Show. If I have to write it... I will.) Inside Schatar greets her audience of seven. They look a little miffed. She carries on with her presentation. As she uncovers the display ...it crashes to the ground. *spits up Cherry Coke

The eleven remaining 'Charm School' students must cook lunch for Mo'nique. Mo'nique being no one's fool, has her cookbook 'Skinny Cooks Can't Be Trusted' available to assist the ladies. Everyone helps with the preparing of a lovely meal. Did I type everyone? My bad, Leilene was too busy talking to herself. Trying to apparently coax herself into cooking ...wtf?! So she makes grilled cheese sandwiches ...yummy yum.

Back at the winery ...when all is done Andrew thanks Schatar and says goodbye. Andrew's conclusion she needs refinement in the dress code.

Back to the Mo'nique meal. The girls turn on Leilene for not helping out. The crier cries and says she is willing to learn if given the proper tools. Does the 'Charm School' kitchen lack utensils? Were there not groceries? Did you not see the cookbook? Whatever ....who said "Me love him long time."? Oh yeah thanks Courtney. Cristal The Egomaniac talks more about herself at lunch. That 'Charm School' babe can talk!

Bringin' it in ... we are at the 'Explosion' Ceremony. Mo'nique calls down Larrissa The Hater, Heather The Balcony Brawler and Cristal The Egomaniac. I know Cristal ain't goin' home. One she's eye candy for the male, lesbian and bisexual audience. Two, egomaniac or not she is one funny girl. They didn't focus on Larrissa too much. Even though she was looking evil chumping on that bagel. So that leaves Heather a.k.a. Krazy up for slaughter. And yep... she is expelled for always being a victim. *waves bye to Nevaeh

You have just shared a Qmoment!

52 comments

  1. Dana - Purrrrrrrrrrrrfect // 23/4/07 5:42 AM  

    I'm first!!!!!!!!!!!

    Yay!!!!!!!!!

    Great recap Q. Is Steups going to put his comments in? But in another colour because the sacred pink is reserved for you?????

    Aurelius made me laugh like a jammette here in work with that video below. I thought it was awesome - funny as hell. Cute little boy too...

    What???? I'm just saying, I have eyes...I'm not a pedophile (except for Harry Potter and that cute little boy I saw around my neighbourhood yesterday on a bike...)

  2. jorundi // 23/4/07 7:21 AM  

    Dayumm, Dayumm,Dayumm...I tried to be 1st. 2nd is okay, I guess.

    Quanda, you have done it again! I thought that I would hate Charm School and have stated that it didn't seem interesting, but the show is growing on me.

    I watched it twice yesterday, but your recap just made it more exciting. Things are REALLY heating up in the house now. I am soooo glad Krazy is gone, er ah... NeveaH.

    Thanks for an excellent Read.

  3. Aurelius (aka bhattipimpin88) // 23/4/07 7:26 AM  

    "MY BCBG DRESS IS MISSING!!!!!"

    I'm off to school, peace!

  4. Dana - Purrrrrrrrrrrrfect // 23/4/07 8:07 AM  

    OMG he's going to school!!!!!!!!

    I really am a pedophile :-(

  5. Lady Ty // 23/4/07 11:58 AM  

    Hey everyone *chuckle I'm mad that Schatar won the date even though she made an ass of herself.

  6. Lady Ty // 23/4/07 12:00 PM  

    while I'm here...(ponders)Is it me or does it seem like no one at all has been talking about new york since the show/ reunion I thought most people like myself as well as radio personnel would like to know whats next for her another show....maybe whatever just thought I would ask.

  7. steups // 23/4/07 12:01 PM  

    12pm...right on time.

  8. Negrolicious // 23/4/07 1:03 PM  

    What up people!?!

    Quanda, once again youve blown my mind. This recap was hilarious! And my favorite part of the recap? You got it! The Whiteboy insert! Ummm, if you get hired as the assistant, how bout I get hired as the assistant to the assistant. I can do 2 things: 1. Carry the lip chap AKA Karmex 2. Take over kissin/tung em down duty whenevery you get tired or chapped. Whatchu think???

  9. steups // 23/4/07 1:06 PM  

    Good recap Q...you can do them anytime because they are not fun to do.

  10. Cael (Seriously in Love) // 23/4/07 2:45 PM  

    i hate eBay!!!!!!!!!!!

    and Buckwild needs to allow money orders....

  11. kikiaj // 23/4/07 3:30 PM  

    I am glad that hefer KRAZY went home....
    heaven spelled backwards...LMAO...is she like 12

  12. Cael (Seriously in Love) // 23/4/07 3:39 PM  

    Her name should have been Lleh (Pro: Lay) because her voice sounds like hell not heaven.

  13. steups // 23/4/07 3:40 PM  

    Jane, we'd rather you emailed that information...we are already working on it.

  14. Jane // 23/4/07 3:41 PM  

    well I did'nt know that.

  15. steups // 23/4/07 3:42 PM  

    Sup Cael, lol?

  16. Jane // 23/4/07 3:48 PM  

    ASSHOLE

  17. Cael (Seriously in Love) // 23/4/07 3:53 PM  

    ...i'm bored and my birthday is thursday...im getting old...

  18. Shauntay (Reppin' Bootz & Saaphyri) // 23/4/07 4:01 PM  

    GAWD! I hate this show. It is so boring! Once Larissa and Saaphyri leave, then im not watching the show anymore. I don't know why people keep saying that Larissa needs to grow up. She's 22/23 yrs old, That's not far from 18/19. I could see if she was 30 with a face that looked like she was pushin 45, Like some people (PUMPKIN). She's still young so leave her alone. Now Pumpkin is the one we should be talking about. Her nasty ass bags under her eyes, then the bitch had a nerve to put eyeliner on. Cristal needs to go because it's been 2 episodes and I'm already sick of hearing her talk.

    But anyway, I hope we don't have to see a Aurelius episode 2 video recap!

  19. steups // 23/4/07 4:01 PM  

    Dude, you don't look old. You look just about what we'd expect from someone your age.

  20. lil_redhead // 23/4/07 4:03 PM  

    yay! i finally got a google account so now i can leave some comments since ive been reading the blog forever... like since flavor of love 1.

    anyways Hottie should have gone home but unfortunately she won safety... lets jus hope the other girls band together and get her ass thrown off next week! and buh-bye to the whiner! good recap btw Q!

  21. misterballer // 23/4/07 4:04 PM  

    shauntay, whats wrong with the video. I'm going to be in next week so it wont look like a racist situation.

  22. lil_redhead // 23/4/07 4:07 PM  

    oh and ive been dieing to say this... I thought Nevaeh was name for white-trash types to give to their illegitimate babies. but maybe thats just me?

    (yes i am a cold-hearted b!tch!)

    why didnt she jus call herself Heaven? that i could forgive.

  23. steups // 23/4/07 4:07 PM  

    Agreed Lil (welcome by the way)...Mo'Nique turned me off with her dumb reasoning.

    Krazy did not deserve to leave. If anyone plays the victim it's Leilene (Smiley)

  24. steups // 23/4/07 4:09 PM  

    "why didnt she jus call herself Heaven? "

    I think you may have answered this question with your opening remark.

  25. Cael (Seriously in Love) // 23/4/07 4:10 PM  

    ive been mistaken for an 18 year old...when I hit 18 I'll probably look 21 and so on...

    shauntay, you seriosuly need to make a recap video. They would be hilarious.

  26. steups // 23/4/07 4:11 PM  

    Agreed Shauntay...Mo'Nique is talking a lot of shit.
    Grow up? She needs to dress grown up with that embarrassing gold parachute she wore last night

  27. steups // 23/4/07 4:12 PM  

    Good idea Cael...she's nasty, funny and good-looking, which is always a good combination

  28. lil_redhead // 23/4/07 4:17 PM  

    "I think you may have answered this question with your opening remark."

    i guess ur right... lol. im also on ur friends list on myspace. Sarah is my title name there and lil_readhead is my url.

  29. Shauntay (Reppin' Bootz & Saaphyri) // 23/4/07 4:22 PM  

    I don't like Krazy and she does play the victim. Leilene is just weak...

    I'm cool with Mo and all but she's messin up by talkin about my girl Larissa.

    Misterballer im glad because I don't want to see his videos anymore. He's way to over dramatic and he looks stupid.

    I should make a video recap. It would be fly.

  30. Danger Zone // 23/4/07 4:24 PM  

    How we welcome some and ignore others. Interesting........

  31. Aurelius (aka bhattipimpin88) // 23/4/07 4:41 PM  

    shauntay, we're cool. I'm 15, you should have expected something like that

  32. Cael (Seriously in Love) // 23/4/07 4:43 PM  

    go shauntay! make those recaps!

  33. steups // 23/4/07 4:52 PM  

    The only thing you should know about me is I am the person deleting all your comments.

  34. steups // 23/4/07 4:53 PM  

    Aurelius don't sweat it. I see you have two of the first six videos on YouTube if one were to search for "Charm School"

  35. steups // 23/4/07 5:06 PM  

    I never move on, Mr New York...I am very tolerant, but when you pass the threshold I cut you off for life.

  36. Aurelius (aka bhattipimpin88) // 23/4/07 5:14 PM  

    thanks Steups, did you read the comments on my recap?? People think I'm uploading the whole episode.

  37. steups // 23/4/07 5:19 PM  

    I read them, Bhatti. I don't think they got the intent and maybe they're unaware that VH1 removes videos that violate their copyright

  38. Cael (Seriously in Love) // 23/4/07 5:36 PM  

    i wish i had barbie dolls and I could spoof charm school like david spade spoofs everyone else...

  39. steups // 23/4/07 5:45 PM  

    "i wish i had barbie dolls"

    Raises eyebrow...and wonders about Cael.

  40. Cael (Seriously in Love) // 23/4/07 6:09 PM  

    they're for the spoof unless u rather see the girls as sticks and logs...

  41. steups // 23/4/07 6:12 PM  

    Nope...Barbie dolls will do. I need clarification, lol.

  42. lil_redhead // 23/4/07 7:40 PM  

    wouldnt it be cool if they MADE dolls to look like Charm School girls?!? could u just imagine Hottie's doll? it would have its own wig! lmfao!!!

  43. misterballer // 23/4/07 7:48 PM  

    did u see what I put on youtube lol, yeah I think aurelius videos are awesome. But shauntay I'm sure you will change your mind next week. Itll be less opionized.

  44. Noemi // 23/4/07 8:37 PM  

    Heather's video on VH1 is pretty touching actually.

  45. Noemi // 23/4/07 8:39 PM  

    The "Momma I'm Coming Home"

  46. Aurelius (aka bhattipimpin88) // 23/4/07 8:46 PM  

    Yeah noemi, I watched that and felt sooo bad for her. In a way, I'm glad she left, hopefully she will have nothing to do with this show or FOL after she left.

  47. Bubo the Hater // 23/4/07 9:37 PM  

    Well, the cooking wasn't a challenge so Smiley got to stay. I agree w/Saphyrri, how the hell you got 3 kids (she looks good for it though) and not know how to cook?

  48. Cael (Seriously in Love) // 23/4/07 9:51 PM  

    You could always get takeout or make those tv dinners that you put in the oven.

    She might make her own children cook their own food.

  49. steups // 23/4/07 10:36 PM  

    I don't know what the heck happened but my post got eaten

  50. SpeaKnTrutH // 23/4/07 10:37 PM  

    I can honestly say that I really didn't like this episode of CC but the part where Hottie fell walking away from the car...I could watch that all day LOL LOL LOL

  51. mrbrightside976 // 24/4/07 5:21 PM  

    ummm guess wat ur not cool cause u can say pussy so just go and get ovr urself because u need a major ass life..........and also i love this episode

  52. Anonymous // 25/4/07 12:27 AM  

    yall dont get me wrong you know i love 'em both but up in dat picture Darra lookin like a dark chocolate Winnie The Pooh n Saaphyri lookin down like she smellin somethin stank comin out her chest. i still got love for 'em tho, my favorite girls: Bootz, Buckeey, Saaphyri. n bootz sho was lookin mad as hell eatin dat bagel..like wouldn't nobody share the cream cheese

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