I Love New York Episode 8 Recap

You know what, my house is pretty big; but it's not big enough for me to try somersaults and back-flips without crashing into furniture. But today is a good day so I am going to pick myself up and do this recap for you, because that's the sort of Whiteboy hater I am....

Elimination:
"The person that's going home tonight, is a great man. I have so much love for you and you've been giving it back to me. You opened up to me; but right now, I just feel you can give me the love that I am looking for", said New York, moments before she flipped the script and asked an unknown contestant to eliminate himself.
Now it would take a man of exceptional courage to step down, so right away that eliminates Whiteboy; but one man stepped forward and that guy was Chance.

The Beginning:
The opening shot featured Chance brushing his teeth and immediately I knew that to be a terrible omen, for 12 Pack was featured in last week's opening sequence.
(closes eyes and wishes Whiteboy in the opening scene)

And there he was, Whiteboy, brushing something off his shirt -as usual.
(Hmmmn, there is still hope then)

Chamo appears dressed in white cotton slacks and pink shirt to announce there would be no challenges today (so to speak) but pairings, joint dates as it were (Palm Springs dates, if you please), with New York. The twosomes were Tango-Real and Whiteboy-Chance; clearly an attempt to avoid the drama because Real is probably the only guy willing to give Tango any sort of friendship; or so we thought.

The Dates
The first date was a golf date and Real and Tango were the chosen ones, or twos to be precise. Real appeared happy to be in the first group and said "I'm about to kick it with the Ninja turtle", and got even deeper to say Tango reminds him of "Donatello"
(that shit is funny as hell. Who in the heck remembers their individual faces?)

And so they were off with Real saying "they have me looking like Tiger Woods in this bitch" (when did this boy become funny?) But Tango was not doing funny and confessed, "I'm gonna lay back and systematically tear this man apart"
(like you did with Whiteboy and 12 Pack?)

On the golf course the guys met New York looking the best she's looked all season-long, in a petite white skirt and a top I'm sure she has worn before (see? She's not high maintenance). The guys were impressed and none moreso than Chance who said "in a minute I'm going to move in, and when I move in, I move in for the kill"
(who body-snatched Real?)

Soon they were kissing and Tango realized "he got me on that one" as he wondered why he was slow on the draw. But they were here to put balls in the hole not tongues, and it was time to leave in the customized, luxury golf-cart.

Now if you've driven with a woman, and more particularly a black-woman; you'd know they always wait until they are in the car to put lotion on their legs (I'm serious, ask Meale and Shawn). So Real took the wheel from the front-passenger seat and New York threw on what must have been a gallon of lotion on her thighs and calves.

Inevitably; they crashed.
Coincidentally; near a sprinkler.
Unsurprisingly; it came on and near-soaked them.
(this is TV; you have to expect these things)

They continued their drive but crashed again, just feet away from the Golf pro, a chap named Stephen; who said, "that's quite some entrance you got there"
(the boy got jokes -rolls eyes)

So it was off to the driving area (that's golf talk, don't get it twisted) and Real decided to re-christen Tango with the name 'Stewart' because "he looks like a good black caddie -do your job boy"
(the White readers better not be laughing, lol)

Tango wasn't short of funny either; on seeing Real use his driver (that's golf talk again) he said "I like to see leprechauns golf, it's sort of humorous"
(lmfao, that was the funniest and cleverest put-down for the night)

In the end they settled on a simple 'one putt takes all' competition, and Real wins.
The Prize? A kiss with New York.
And it was a helluva kiss, but it didn't seem all that passionate. Still, this was a Real we had not yet seen and he told us why...."I'm outgoing, but I am more observant before I'm outgoing"
(you know what? I still don't think he told us why...but fuck it, let's continue with the recap)

Tango, was upset, but not as upset as I would have concluded, had I not read the spoiler...his remark of feeling "sick to his stomach" seemed false, but maybe I am being unfair to the kid, after all, Sister Patterson said "that man is in love" a few weeks ago. And we all know you cannot fool the mother.

Back at the mansion Chance and Whiteboy are just hanging, not worried at all. Chance says, "I ain't trippin on that date"
(Son, I've seen the entire episode and you should be trippin' on that date, lol)

Back at the date, Tango and Real are told they have one hour to get ready for dinner and are driven to their rooms
(one hour in tv time must be the equivalent of seven hours in real time because that place got dark in a a hurry)

Entering their room the guys gave what must now be known as the 'Real World reaction'; wowing and celebrating at the decor (you'd think these guys grew up under a rock the way these reality stars behave)
Soon enough they noticed the gifts, or maybe they were looking for them (because we learnt later that Real is a fan of Flavor of Love; so he knew the deal)
The gifts were engraved, gold-plated lighters and cigars.
(classy? Yes...disappointing? Yes)

The novelty worn off, the guys were off to dinner. In the limousine Real tells Tango, "all I want you to do is serve us our dinner, Stewart"
(collapses to the floor in laughter)

I got up in time however to see the guys sat at a table awaiting the Queen's arrival. And when New York arrived I was impressed; Tango was impressed, and so too, Real ...but Lareigna?
(she says "New York doesn't know the meaning of less is more...when it comes to eye-shadow")
(I never knew Hater began with an "L"...YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERYDAY!)
( Hater doesn't start with "L" it starts with an "H", but moving away from the ABC's. Let's do some math ...Hater = Steups)

Real's reaction to be precise was, "New York was looking as good as anybody can look"
New York reacted to herself too (why not?), saying "I am enough woman to go around this table 85 times"
(I'm gonna need help with the other 83 times if she was my woman, lol)
( That definitely knocks you out with your 30 minutes of humping ...Meale you understand.)


On the dinner table Real looked confident and Tango? Well he looked not as confident.
New York, surprisingly, asked questions before she ate...and one question in particular, "what are you looking for in a woman?"
Real's answer was "a true woman, a woman I can grow old with...."
(New York was impressed but you can probably Google that question and receive that answer)

Tango's answer was, "I am looking for some kind of completion"
(I can hear the Family Feud contestants shouting "good answer, good answer")

But New York wasn't bowled over and it didn't help that Real was sabotaging the moment with snickers and sneers. She scoffed at his answer and Real said "she got you on that, playa", but Tango countered that move with "Real doesn't want you to hear what I am feeling"

Tango then bowed to whisper in New York's ear.
(wtf? This is television, son; you don't get to keep secrets from us)

New York: You really love me (don't try to hide shit from us, Tango! I told you.)
Tango: Why you doing this to me?
Real: No disrespect Donatello...
Tango: Don't disrespect me! Call me by my real name...

They went back and forth for a minute and Tango in the confessional says "these dudes are here to promote their group"
(hmmmn, maybe that will prove important in a later Episode if they survive elimination)

It was time to end dinner and New York announced that she's taking Real back to her room and kisses Tango as a consolation prize.
As Real left...Tango remarked "I want Real to take his drunk, impotent ass and barf all over her"
(or something like that, but it was funny regardless)

In New York's room, Real's eyes caught the nuts, whip-cream and strawberries (that's fuck-food, playa) and it wasn't long before she was feeding him with her finger and that prompted him to say "I wanna be your Romeo, seriously"
(that's the reason why they invented the word, 'maize', because that shit was uber-corny)

But, as any man and woman knows, when you're feeling someone they can say 'I love you three times' and that shit enters your mind as 'how do I love thee, let me count the ways'
It's just the way it is, and the words touched New York to the point of making her cry..and when Real said, "Flav did you wrong...", it was all over!

New York had to run that boy out of the room before she booked time in a Las Vegas Chapel; but not before saying, "I don't want to forget this moment and I don't want you to forget it either"

::cue shot of half-moon as Real departs:::

The Dates pt2:
The next morning was Whiteboy's and Chance's turn to impress and their date began with a ride in a hot-air balloon. It almost never happened because Chance was scared, "hell nawww"; (oh yes you were) and New York fussed over the danger to her "synthetic hair"

Their fears were assuaged however and after much antics (by Chance) they learnt to appreciate the beauty of flight and the scene below. So much so that Chanced evinced appreciation with a quote of Shakespearean quality "that's one of the most beautifulest thing I ever damn near seen"
(I need the cliff notes for this)

They alit in comical fashion, almost clattering into power lines but it made the journey even more of an event to appreciate. Whiteboy himself waxed philosophical, but I can't remember what he said...it was good though.

So, back to the room then, where Whiteboy and Chance seemed even more impressed by their gifts. They were ballin' with their cigars but it was time to get ready so Whiteboy polished his sneakers (I ain't lying) and Chance went off to grab his thug-wear.
When the dust settled, Whiteboy looked fly in a dark jacket, jeans and a brown shirt -untucked- that might have been silk.
( He looked good as always! You might try it ...you could learn something bro from Whiteboy.)
Chance opted for something a Wayans brother would wear in the closing scene of 'In living Color'
(yet, somehow, he pulled it off)

The limousine ride to the dinner set the tone for the evening.Whiteboy was on his game face and warned Chance he was not about friends tonight; which provoked Chance to say but "you ain't gotta look at me like you want to cut me in half. You lookin' like Tango, dawg)
(lmwbhao)
( Translation: laughing my white black half ass off)
Still shocked, Chance said, "I hope this doesn't hurt our friendship, man"
(you ain't got nuthin' to worry about, dawg. Fools of a feather flock together, son)

New York arrived in what looked like a Heather Jones original (Electra and Dana will know what I'm talking about).
Whiteboy kisses her (a much better effort) and as New York turns to Chance for his kiss, he grabs a napkin and wipes her mouth (lmao) before planting a kiss of his own.

They both say they are "here for New York"...and she asks, "which one of you gentlemen are gonna dance with me, first?"
Whiteboy volunteers.

Dancing with New York, Whiteboy says, 'from this night on I want you to take a new approach with Whiteboy. I don't want to be no, to-be-continued; no mysterious...it's not about that"
(I could make a corn-pie with that line and still feed Bebe's kids)

At the table Chance is smoking (did he ever before this? Must be the lighter) and decides it's his turn now, cutting-in with a rather formal, "Shall I?"

It's civil for a minute until Chance describes Whiteboy's musings as "sucker-ass talk" and they both grab one of New York's arms and engage in a tug-o-war of sorts as Chance says, "she's just a woman bruh, she's just a woman"
Whiteboy complains about Chance's behavior and this conversation develops as the men stare-down each other...

Chance: I'll punch the fucking shit outta you, dawg
Whiteboy: You can't never touch me like that, never (it sounds dumb in words but he had the appropriate face to make it menacing)
( He was letting his friend KNOW he isn't going to be laying a finger on him. What is dumb about that?)

New York: (turning to Chance) you shut the fuck up
Chance: No, You shut the fuck up and as a matter of fact, pass the fucking cigarettes you're smoking

That was enough for New York to say..."Whiteboy, I'ma ask you to stay with me", and they went off to her room leaving Chance to advise Whiteboy (who was out of earshot)..."Bruh, do all you fucking can; cause when I bite, you like a cheetah running up a fucking tree."
(Uh?)

In New York's room, the couple get acquainted an Whiteboy is 'catching feelings and shit', going so far as to get on his knees to lick champagne off of New York's thighs...
(What?
You didn't hear me Quanda?

I said Whiteboy was on his knees licking champagne off of New York's thighs.
What?
You didn't hear me Jane?

I said Whiteboy was on his knees licking champagne off of New York's thighs.
Lareigna, you heard me?
No?

I said Whiteboy was on his knees licking champagne off of New York's thighs.
No Jorundi, I am not repeating myself, if you didn't hear me that's your problem.
Ok, one more time...
Whiteboy was on his knees licking champagne off of New York's thighs.)
(And, I'ma put that shit in purple too)
(It sure in the hell looks pink to me. Naw I didn't hear it bro ...I watched it along with millions of other people. And your girl was all heated about to get 'proper' with Whiteboy. But she pulled herself together and didn't want to be the rebound chick.)

The date is heating up and they kiss, the sort of kiss you have as a teen where you open your mouth as wide as possible because you don't want your teeth to clash with hers (lol)
Oh I remember those days when I was learning (13 or 14, thereabouts)
(Maybe Whiteboy is a a slow learner?)
( You mad because he was kissing New York instead of you.)

Anyways, after a kiss like that, a woman has only one other choice...get this man to talking before he swallows me...
But New York is heated (not because of any shit he did) and says, "I am so horny, I am thinking I just want to take this guy and throw him down and the bed and use him"
But this is Whiteboy, so she thinks better of it....and reverts to Plan B; get him to talk...

She asks him about his five year relationship and when it (the relationship) ended...
Whiteboy: like in July
Steups: in 2005?
Whiteboy: mind your fucking business
Steups: I ain't Tango, son...I WILL STEP OUT OF THE FUCKING ROOM WITH YOU!
Whiteboy: well continue with the recap because I am not leaving this room
Steups: OK, but watch yo mouth next time
( Jane is so right about you. You are definitely Whiteboy's #1 Stan because now you're imagining conversations with your boy. ~SMH )

New York: we're in August. Whiteboy do you still love that woman
Whiteboy: I got love for her but...
New York: I feel like if Shawty (wtf, first me and now you're in this week's Episode too?) comes back you would....there's something about you that draws me in (it's the sucking force of his Europe kisses -that shit is too big and wide to just be French, only)

Disappointed New York sends him off to his room and sets up the Elimination ceremony, perfectly. As it stands only Real is safe, or so it seems...
Chance cursed her; Whiteboy may have feelings for his ex, and Tango's expression of love rang untrue to her because he couldn't say it in the open/publicly...

We'll know who leaves soon enough at the Eliminations....

Pt2.