I Love New York Episode 5 Recap Pt2

All-State commercial is on
(and suddenly Barrack Obama comes to mind and I conclude I'd rather vote for the guy from "24")

Ahhhhh, the show is back.

12Pack and Real are all dressed up, looking fly; except...
Except 12 Pack has a red bow-tie on. Nooo mannnnnnn; that is so bachelorette party.
Only male strippers wear red bow-ties
(then I remember 12 Pack is a stripper and the bow-tie becomes acceptable)
(then I remember he is also a high-school coach and the bow-tie becomes unacceptable again)

They (because I can't remember who) inform New York she ought to follow the rose petals. And Whiteboy, who seemed cool with the idea (as if he had a f*cking choice) says he let it happen because he didn't "want to f*ck up and say something stupid"
(now why the hell didn't you come up with that idea 4 Episodes ago?)

He also says something about letting them "execute", but I have a 12 word limit with Whiteboy so I tuned out.
The execution turned out to be a spa-type session with Real and 12Pack as the pedicurist and masseuse. (Pedicurist is a word, right?)
For the occasion, New York was suitably under-dressed in a cornflower-blue bikini (take my word for it) and looked as she always looks...sexier than Oprah signing a cheque (Brit spelling by special request)

And she knows it too, saying "I have the body of a f*cking goddess"
(not anymore, you don't)
(and we'll know why later)

Back to the spa sex session and 12Pack says the menu includes bubble-baths, massage oils and self-portraits.
Ok, he had me until self-portraits.
(sounds like a Greenwich village date)

But don't knock it until you try it, I guess; because it wasn't long before New York was oohing and ahhing as Real said "relax your feet, relax your body"
New York didn't need him to tell her that because she was in heat, literally.

Breathlessly, my girl said "I feel so hot right now"
(do women still say that? That's so high-school)

(lower your mind's voice to read what follows)
"Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh", she moaned
(ok, you can raise the volume again)

12 Pack is rubbing her thighs and stomach whilst Real is massaging her feet.
(this shit is better than the Kim Kardashian sex-tape)

And just when I am in the mood and playing with my nipples and shit; New York says the "pelvic area is one of those pleasure zones"
(of course it is New York that's where your vagina is, for crying out loud)
(turned me right off with that ditzy comment)

Didn't turn her off, nor Real who confessed to being aroused.
New York went farther than that saying she "climaxed during the massage"
(wowwwwwwwww)
(she said that right? I don't want to ruin her reputation or nothin')

The plan was executing perfectly and then we saw another side to the Stallionaires.
We know Chance does hair, but do you know Real does nails?
And when New York said he "did her nails better than any Vietnamese woman that I have ever been to", you know that boy can do feet.

The testosterone was high at this point and we needed more estrogen to create that Zen balance, so who appears?
You guessed it; Tango!

The Tan-man skipped up the stairs, arm in a sling to tell Mommy New York he's gonna be alright. He's gonna live. He braved the torture of a sore arm and survived.
(somebody print a f*cking t-shirt for this shit )

Tango opened Pandora's box and there were a spate of interruptions as the spa session moved to the bathroom. First Boston comes in to offer New York a late night snack; news which the greedy bugger greets with uncommon enthusiasm.
Meanwhile Rico is slicing fruit in the kitchen for his hostess.
(I hope to God he didn't put any watermelon in there)

Whatever it was, New York mocked his fruit-bowl saying it looks like the "gnats got to it"
Before that moment however, New York and Boston had a tongue session that made my insides tumble.
(If Janet Jackson caused such an uproar for her bare breasts what are the FCC doing about this shit because that kiss is obscene)

Of Boston, New York said "I think we can make love on a stack of textbooks"
(I got nothin' to say. I got nothin to say about that)

A scene ensues where Chance wrestles with a foot-long bug (might have been his brother, lmao) and uses his Tony Montana voice to say "you'll die, muthaf*cka"
(yawns)
And that was the end of the night's proceeding.

The next day's scene begins with an outdoor lunch and the guys are getting on well having fun despite the presence of a (thinking of a collective noun) lot of bees, lol.
Sister Patterson is holding fort and preaching; saying she wants to know the guys better.
Boston confesses he's been making midnight snacks for New York; to which Sister Patterson says, "don't fix her any more food at midnight; she'll get fat!"

But that quote paled in comparison to her announcement that "someone at the table has came in this house and has totally fallen in love with Ms New York"
(Has came? Made me cringe, that did)
Immediately Tango starts batting his eye-lids and has that eager look the nerds have when a question is asked. He sputters part of his confession but a bee decides that this moment is perfect to sting New York.
(I guess you could say the bee has came in her)

They all retire to the mansion's living room and Tango says, or rather whispers to New York, "can I speak to you in private?"
Whiteboy (who else?) opens his mouth to say why every time he needs to talk it has to be in private.
Well that was all Tango needed to go Sheneneh on his ass.
"What are you worried about it for", he says. And sprinkles a few threats to go with the sass.
Whiteboy responds by putting on his stunnas to stop anyone seeing the fear in his eyes
(both of these guys are just messy)

They argue, more forth than back and Sister P shouts over both their voices to inform us that "that man(Tango) is in love".
It all seems staged to me as if Tango is playing the role New York portrayed in Flavor of Love; but maybe I am thinking too much.

Real or not Tango takes a walk in the garden to clear his head (oh brother) and wouldn't you know it, New York spots him from her balconied vantage point.
(Woooo, I am showing off my vocabulary, lmao)

They have a moment, and I wish I could reproduce the conversation but I can't.
First Tango apologises and New York compares them to Romeo and Juliet and says:
"You allow others to take yourself away from me"
"You deserve happiness; give me the opportunity to give that to you", was Tango's reply.
He continues:
"You can't look at me and tell me you don't care about me just a little"

The scene majestically cuts to Chance saying "that's Pootie type shit right there" before returning to New York's final word to Tango that she'll "see him at Eliminations"


The Elimination Ceremony
New York emerges from the staircase dressed in a blue strapless gown and makes her decision, chain by chain.



1) Real (Sister Patterson says "he is my favorite, I want to stroke his hair")

2) 12 Pack (New York asks if he has love for her and his reply is golden; "you see me standing here with this stupid face?")

3) Whiteboy (New York says he is "incredible")
(but he can't kiss; hahahaahahahahahahaha)

4) Chance

5) Mr. Boston

So it's come to this, a tale of two snitches.
New York shows genuine emotion and seems to be in agony...moments elapse and then she says , "Rico....this chain is not for you, but come to me please"
(if I were a girl I'd cry)
( I am a woman and I didn't shed a tear. Rico baby....keep your head up! And I know you ain't tripping....your girl is hot! And she can grow hair.)

Rico trundled off and told the camera that "she missed out on a good guy", but only after he dismissed her elimination explanation as "crap".
That meant
6) Tango

The Tan-man lives to fight another day and New York gave him all the encouragement he needs, confessing that she "feels a connection"

Tango's private comment to the camera was "a good man went home; now I am free to be an asshole to everyone I need to be an asshole too"
(uh, can you start with Whiteboy please?)
( Sure he can if his shoulder doesn't give out and he avoids a splinter attack.)

Whew; I made it through another one.
Actually I am booking a flight to murder your a@%....next week's recap ain't looking good for you.
Laterz.