Rock of Love 2: The Premiere Episode

'Back to the Rocking Horse'

The premiere episode of 'Rock of Love 2' aired Sunday night. The Q. thoroughly enjoyed it. The VH1 viewer is treated to Bret explaining his hopes of finding love this time around. Big John is back too. Big John is slinging toilet paper ensuring the beezys have ish to wipe their @sses. He also takes a spin on the stripper pole to check it's durability. Back to the boss, Mr. Michaels claims he's ready to find his 'Rock of Love'.

The 'Rock of Love 2' beezys are waiting outside of the mansion. In the Beezyfessional a tall blond Meagan (think Beauty & The Geek 3) shares, "I'm drawn to Bret like a nun to a convent. I am already in love with Bret. As soon as he sees me he will definitely be in love with me." Next up in the Beezyfessional is a rock chick Peyton, "There's nothing that no one.. that can stop me from getting from what I want. I've come to get Bret. And I'm not leaving until I get what I came for." Inna takes a turn in the Beezyfessional. She says something in Russian that I'm too lazy to type out. Bret finally rolls up to the 'Rock of Love 2' mansion in a red Porshe. I have a red Porshe in my garage too! (My 'Need For Speed' garage counts... doesn't it?) The beezys are squealing, screaming, cheezing, jumping up & down as he drives up. Bret greets the 20 beezys & explains season 1 didn't work out. (So you don't say huh?). He introduces Big John & out he comes. Big John is customary fashion informs the beezys of the 'Rock of Love 2' mansion rules.

1. Be respectful to the gear, treat it as your own. (What about the beezys who don't have sh!t?)

2. Do not enter Bret's room or quarters unless escorted and/or invited.

3. Keep puking to a minimum.

The 'Rock of Love 2' beezys are grinin' up a storm. However, many of us remember what happened first season. Big John picked 5 women out of the crowd. Those women were asked to hang back while the others entered the crib. The 5 who stayed behind were eliminated. Except for Tiffany who banged & begged her way back into the house. Bret tells the beezys; he wants to make all the decisions this time around about who stays & leaves. Bret points to Erin (think Fro Hawk), Daisy (Pamela Anderson mini me), Destiney (Raven haired video vixen) & Meagan (Beauty & The Geek 3). Bret asks all 4 women to stay behind. Mr. Michaels tells the other 16 to go inside and get comfortable. Big John is left behind to deal with the 4 beezys left standing.

We see the 16 women enter the house & go wild. Aubry shares, " Wooo I thought I just made it through the 1st elimination. I'm still standing & breathing & living." (NEWS FLASH if you were eliminated 51 minds doesn't take you out back & put a bullet through your head.) Other beezys are figuring out the floor plan of the 'Rock of Love 2' mansion. We get a glimpse of 1 of my early favorites to watch Angelique. Strolling out to the pool Angelique shares with a thick French accent, "I want to have some sex wis Bret in zis pool." ( I said it first here folks! Angelique is a hot mess of a mixture of Charro, Ivana Trump, Zsa Zsa Gabor in a stripper package.) She is FABULOUS! Next we get to hear from Korie in the Beezyfessional, " I run straight for the bar & start pouring drinks." Which is appropriate because unidentified sources informed The Blogspot that Auntie Korie was a former ATL Coyote.

Back to the 4 outside with Big John, can you say, SAD FACES with me? I swear they looked like someone stole their MAC make up cases & Steups was laying naked in their beds. They were looking so depressed & disappointed. Sad faces quickly turned to excitement when Big John announces they are Bret's VIPs (known as Va jay jay Instantly Pursued). Erin, Daisy, Destiney & Meagan are ecstatic just as any rock groupie would be. Big John escorts the VIP 4 to their VIP suite. The suite is decorated in various greens & purple. There is Champagne & gifts waiting for the lucky 4. Big John tells the women each of them will get alone time with Bret without interference. Aubry walks in the suite & learns the 4 are VIPs. The cattiness begins folks. I love it! Aubry goes to the backyard and tells the others, "Those girls that stayed outside... they got VIP necklaces. That's why they're in the VIP room... and got a whole bunch of stuff." Aubry continues to tell the others to step up their game. Envy and jealousy is such an awesome tool to get the reality television drama brewing. Groovy Noodles Time!!! (code word for too many d@mn commercials)

Back from commercial break, we see the Playmate Kristy Joe. She isn't too thrilled with the VIP 4, "... they're just acting like their shit doesn't stink." Two of the VIPs Meagan & Destiney head down to the stripper lounge. Destiney starts to twirl around the pole. We find out she went on a stripper shoe quest on Hollywood Blvd. & found the perfect pair to work the pole. Angelique joins Destiney dancing. Angelique is exzited (excited folks)! Angelique states, "I'm like that's so cool. There iz my pole over there. I'm going to be a stripper right now!" Kristy Joe, Aubry & Nike watch in horror. Aubry shares, "When Angelique got on the stripper pole, I seriously just wanted to puke. She made it so I don't ever want to walk into a strip club, for the rest of my life." (I was literally crying from laughing so hard @ this point.)

Big John interrupts Angelique's pole performance. He needs everyone to gather in the foyer. All beezys present and accounted for. We learn it's picture time with Bret. Out comes Bret to the cheering, clapping, screaming & squealing women of 'Rock of Love 2'. Catherine the Cougar shares, "It's like my heart started beating a hundred miles per hour. I literally thought I was going to pass out. He looked hot." Jackie a spicy Italian cutie is up 1st. She plays innocent in the beginning. However she warms up to give Bret a nice view of her @ss. The two kiss. Jessica an astute blond gives Bret innocent farm girl poses. Bret chimes in, "That's sex behind the barn right there." The two kiss. Roxy, Catherine & Sara take their turns in front of the camera. Bret is beginning to feel some of these beezys are a little too reserved for him. Angelique is up next. The French stripper removes her top within seconds & shows off her Ds to Bret's liking. Angelique explains, "He came wiz a camera... so to me iz an invitation... to show him what I got. So I'm like, 'Oh Yeah?' Ok, then... " She openly shares her plastic surgery history. Aubry's opinion on Angelique's looks, "... a blow fish on acid." Bret in his wisdom thinks Angelique is a trailblazer. The rock god compares her to Lewis & Clark. Yes folks the same Lewis & Clark who:

• The U.S. gained an extensive knowledge of the geography of the American West in the form of maps of major rivers and mountain ranges


• Observed and described 178 plants and 122 species and subspecies of animals (see List of species described by the Lewis and Clark Expedition)


• Encouraged Euro-American fur trade in the West


• Opened Euro-American diplomatic relations with the Indians


• Established a precedent for Army exploration of the West
  
• Strengthened the U.S. claim to Oregon Territory


• Focused U.S. and media attention on the West
  
• Produced a large body of literature about the West (the Lewis and Clark diaries)
  
  

One has to really admire Bret Michael's view point. Back the 'Rock of Love 2' photo op, Daisy a blond sex kitten is up next. She removes the top half of her dress. A pink animal print pant wearing Peyton manages to keep her clothes on. However she still rocks it out. Destiney poses. The Russian cat in heat Inna is up next. The vamp Inna does the splits in a mini skirt & then bounces her booty. Bret states, "We have a winner." Courtney's turn in front of the camera's lense. She is awkward & shy while posing. Bret notices it. Ashley is clearly self conscious about her small breasts. Bret understands with all the DDs roaming around. (D@mn his compassion is overwhelming.) Missi, Anbre & Niki pose next. Aubry the feisty blond poses in booty shorts & shows off her tattoos. The two kiss. Meagan is none too happy. The reality television veteran shares, " So this old lady is just kissing Bret. Ya know I guess it's like kissing your grandma. You have to do it. You have to be nice. And I was just like ...'ahhh what the f@ck!' Those lips are mine." (Bret has been kissing up a storm with pretty much most of the beezys. This broad can't be that dumb. Can she?) It's Meagan's time to shine. Before she steps in front of the camera. The two kiss. Kristy Joe a distant beauty wipes off Bret's lips before giving him a peck. The Q. doesn't blame her. However unless she doused her hands with Listerine. Kristy Joe got the 'Rock of Love 2' cooties. Erin a gorgeous model & folk singer is the last one to get her time in front of the camera. She grabs a guitar to pose with & smiles away.

Did I ever tell you I abhor writing recaps? Well I do. It's twice as bad to type one up while ill. I hope y'all know; this it for you. Cause I know what the hell happened and what I was thinking. For the record, I am not recapping 'Flavor of Love 3'. Venting is such a good form of therapy.

It's time for the beezys to throw themselves @ Bret. As Big John promised the VIPs get their alone time with Bret. Meagan get to chat up Mr. Horny Toad first. She tells Bret, "... I have a huge modeling career. I have a great career. I have great friends. I have great family. I have great everything. The only thing missing is I don't have anyone to share it with me." (How great! Why the hell does she look like a bobble head to me?) The two kiss. We get a glimpse of Inna, Roxy, Peyton, Destiney & Courtney indulging in alcohol. Destiney is the next VIP to get her time. Destiney has a gift for Bret. She pulls a custom made bandanna out of her bosom. She presents it to Bret. The sum of their interaction ... kissing + cackling laugh = stalker alert. The two kiss. Next VIP up is the sex kitten Daisy. I realize Bret Michaels literally thinks with his penis. Besides an erection to deal with Mr. Michaels learns Daisy is a musician too. The two kiss. As Daisy leaves Bret, Inna heckles her. (Inna are you jealous honey?) Inna takes the opportunity to hop out of the hot tub & jump Bret. Big John is approaching with Erin. Big John escorts Inna away to give Bret alone time with Erin. Bret is bored with Erin's chatter of HTML & MySpace.

Yeaaaaaah booooooooy, over halfway done with the recap!!!

After all the VIPs received their alone time; the remaining 16 have one hour to make an impression on Bret. There will be eliminations tonight. Jackie is the 1st to pounce. Angelique swaps spit with Bret. Roxy sits on Bret Daddy's lap. Before Bret knows it, a swarm of 'Rock of Love 2' beezys surround him as if they're Africanized Killer Bees. You know that nut is turned on. Bret takes a moment to chill with Catherine. Catherine tells Bret she's 45 years old & a mother of 16 year old twins. Angelique interrupts their chat. Y'all know I absolutely love Angelique right? Bret is turned on by Angelique's neediness to spend time with him. Bret tickles the sh!t out of me. Time is a ticking. Bret sits with Jackie & Niki. Jackie draws him in while he believes Niki needs to step up her game. Courtney is plastered & talking gibberish. Ambre is trying to look after her. Missi & Kristy Joe are about to get their time. However before they have a chance to sit, Bret needs a potty break. On his way he gets distracted by Jackie on the stripper pole. Thank God Captain Save A Trick a.k.a. Big John reminds Bret that two ladies are waiting on his return. Kristy Joe & Missi not only manage to bore Bret to death. They managed to bore me nearly to death too. Alrighty then, blonds Ambre & Jessica get some time to impress the man of the hour. Bret asks, "...what brings you here. What are you looking for?" Jessica pulls a pimpette move & replies, "You." Then she climbs across Ambre to get to Bret. The two kiss. The camera shot pans wide. What the f@ck?! I had no idea Ashley was there too. (Did Bret?)

Poor, poor Big John is desperately trying to wake up Courtney. She is wasted. It's time to get ready for eliminations. Somehow Courtney is awake. Several of the other beezy's help her get dressed. However, Courtney passes out again. Y'all thought Yours of 'I Love New York 2' could sleep.

We are at eliminations. Bret realizes their are only 19 'Rock of Love 2' beezys standing in front of him.. We see Courtney knocked out & snoring. Then as if that's not enough she rolls out of bed & hits the floor. Courtney remains sound asleep. Big John shares, "Ya know what boss, I don't think Courtney is going to make it tonight." In the Beezyfessional Roxy shares, "It's unreal. It's no way. How do you sleep through eliminations?"

Bret gives a smug Meagan the 1st tour pass. Daisy, Destiney, Aubry, Peyton, Inna, Roxy, Korie, Jessica, Sarah, Catherine, Kristy Joe, Niki, Angelique follow. Drum roll one tour pass left...

Jackie is called down to receive the last tour pass. However she admits to not wanting to stay due to anxiety. She changed her mind once he started talking. Jackie feels Bret is genuine and is interested in staying in the 'Rock of Love 2' crib. Bret looks @ her seriously. He questions if she truly wants to stay. Jackie decides one of the other remaining beezys should get a chance to stay. Big John escorts Jackie out. Ambre reaps Jackie's decision to exit the house. Ambre is overjoyed. Ashley, Missi & Erin's tours end. Angelique shares her wisdom, "When he let Erin go, I realized he looking for more than just like a pretty face. That's a good thing because beauty zis only skin deep." Erin's partings words, "Bret I am competely confused & blown away by your decision. And I think a lot of people feel the same way. I feel like America is going to think you made the wrong decision. But I'm going to move on with my life & you move on with yours." (Bitter much?)

Back inside Bret explains Courtney is going to sleep in the mansion tonight. He wants to make sure she is safe & doesn't want to disturb her. He asks them to inform Courtney that her tour has ended when she awakes. 15 beds for 16 beezys, Angelique is no dummy and asks, "Can somebody sleep wis you?"


Credit: VH1.com, Ava, Kimberlyn & Baby kin

A painful recap Qmoment!