Stryker, the star of Charm School 3 and co-host of 'Loveline' reveals the third season of Charm School premieres on May 11th on VH1
[Credit: Jess]
Showing posts with label Charm School. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Charm School. Show all posts
This Summer Charm School returns with new Headmistress and Deans. Talk-show host Ricki Lake takes over from Mo'Nique and Sharon Osbourne, and she's joined by La La and Stryker.
Bay Bay Bay confirms the shooting of Charm School 3.
Other confirmed cast members are Ki Ki, Risky and So Hood.
Mediatakeout founder Fred Mwangaguhunga interviewed by Charm School star and radio host Mo'Nique.
She should have just cursed him out and not waste time. This dude has the morals of a Mafia Godfather.
[Bourgy.com]
VH1 released promo pics of the new Charm School: Rock of Love Girls cast.
The first set features women from Rock of Love 1... Brandi C, Brandi M, Dallas, Heather, Lacey, Raven and Rodeo
In a YouTube video, Rock of Love Reunion Show host Riki Rachtman, reveals he completed filiming Charm School 2: Rock of Love Girls.
Riki will be one of two Head Deans on the show.
The other Dean, to assist Head Mistress Sharon Osbourne, is Frankie B jeans owner, Daniella Clarke.
In an interview with The Daily Time, Hoopz (I Love Money) says she is living with her Easter Michigan college sweetheart and admits she turned down Charm School
“At first I turned down a few shows from them because they would have me doing a lot of crazy stuff,” Alexander said. “If you notice and if any of you have watched any of my shows, you’ll know that I’m more laid back but if you mess with me, I’ll mess with you.”
[source]
[picture]
VH1 is the place I call Home Sweet Home for my reality television. MTV and The CW are my tied runner ups. I can't miss an episode of America's Next Top Model Cycle 9. Unless Lisa sexually harrasses Miss J., I can't imagine anyone taking home the title other than her. Oh and then my huge secret is that I am addicted to 'The Hills'.
Totally off subject:
If your four year old son is arguing over his sister's dress screaming, "I want to be the princess!" ... is that a sign? Lawd mother have mercy... SOMEBODY SHOOT ME... I've given birth to a mini $$$Irresistible Deliscious$$$.
What was I blogging about? Oh yeah, something about reality television, I need to remember. I got it. The Fox Reality Channel is the topic. Actually, my focus is the Fox Reality Award nominations. Here are the one's that should matter to us.
Favorite Fight
“Chance” Kamal Givens vs. “Mr. Boston” on 'I Love New York'
Rocky vs. Dreams on “Survivor: Fiji”
Sharon Osborne vs. Piers Morgan on “America’s got Talent”
Leilene vs. Pumpkin on 'Charm School'
Evel Dick vs. Jen on “Big Brother 8”
Saaphyri v. Htown on “Flavor of Love 2”
Favorite Non-Competition Program
“The Real World”
“My Fair Brady: We're Getting Married”
“Deadliest Catch”
'The Hills'
“Criss Angel: Mind Freak”
“Scott Baio is 45… and Single”
Okay, okay! I know there is no nominees in this category relevant to our blog. However, I really like Lauren of 'The Hills'. Shouldn't she like totally hook up with Brody?
Favorite Altered State
Heat from 'I Love New York'
Ripsi from “Bad Girls Club” Frank from “Real World Reunited: Las Vegas”
Pumkin from 'Charm School'
Go Pumkin!!!
Favorite Moment of Prayer
Jameekah from “Big Brother 8”
Saaphyri from 'Charm School'
Dog from “Dog: The Bounty Hunter”
Amber from “Big Brother 8”
Sister Patterson from 'I Love New York'
Favorite Villain
Dustin Diamond from “Celebrity Fit Club”
Cecille from “Beauty and the Geek”
Johnny V from “Scott Baio is 45 and Single”
Evel Dick from “Big Brother 8”
Renee from “America’s Next Top Model”
Larissa from 'Charm School'
Hello isn't New York missing here?
Favorite Competition Program
“Hell’s Kitchen”
“Big Brother”
'I Love New York'
“The Biggest Looser”
“So you Think you can Dance”
“Survivor”
Reality Performer of the Year 
Adrianne and Chris Knight from “My Fair Brady”
Sanjaya from “American Idol”
New York from 'I Love New York'
Len Goodman from “Dancing with the Stars”
Evel Dick from “Big Brother 8”
Ant from “Celebrity Fit Club”
I am a fan in denial. New York should truly win this one.
Not criticizing Fox Reality or nothing, but how the h@ll weren't 'Flavor of Love 2', 'I Love New York' or 'Charm School' nominated for America’s Favorite Reality Show?!!! Oh we were suppose to vote did you say? Oh my, Mr. New York kept sending out bulletins to Vote 4 New York! I thought she was running for Vice President alongside Obama or something. *sighs I should read more bulletins. When we don't vote people, this is what happens!
The reality star-studded original event airs exclusively on Fox Reality Channel on Saturday, October 13 at 10PM. The highly anticipated Fox Reality Channel original series “The Search for the Next Elvira” will premiere immediately following the awards. WTF?! Isn't there like a sexy goth vamp limit of 1 or something? (You may substitute the -v for -tr, if you are mean.) Maybe Lacey auditioned for this show too. Click here to read all the official categories and nominees @ FoxReality.com.
Credit: Fox Reality, Jason & Lee
A fox reality Qmoment!
YEA YEA Charm School is over but the cast offs need love too :)
Soooooo.... I tuned in to Hell date a few nights ago just to catch and episode with our dear friend from Charm school (drum roll please) THELA!!!! I'm so mad that I don't have a video to show of it but it was HILARIOUS....
I'll give a brief recap about the show and what Rain did:
Hell Date is a show on BET where certain people think they are going on a blind date with someone that a service hooked them up with... the cameras are just supposed to be a part of the show as though they are on Blind Date the TV show, the twist is, that the date BET has hooked them up with has some sort of weird problem that they have to act out on the date to see how far they can go with it.... which brings us to the show with thela
Thela's date was a VERY :) handsome young man who could not resist looking at, touching or flirting with other girls. They went to do some exercises while a girl asked him to help her on a pole. She fell down and he caught her legs while they were gapped and you could see the look of disgust on Thela's face.... (this is where I wish I had pictures) 
CLASSIC THELA RAIN FOR YOU...
(On an unrelated note, for some reason when I watch Hell Date I always think of Midget Mac after the show is over... am I the only one?)
The Q. and Licious interview Pumkin from 'Flavor of Love' and 'Charm School'. Gabrielle is coming back people! We promise. Until then it's Q's temper unprofessionalism on The Elle Word.
No worries, Licious is to the rescue and will keep things entertaining and semi-professional. Listen in @ 8pm Pacific, 9pm Mountain, 10pm Central & 11pm Eastern Time.
To speak directly to Pumkin, Quanda and Licious, call (646)478-5101.
No worries, Licious is to the rescue and will keep things entertaining and semi-professional. Listen in @ 8pm Pacific, 9pm Mountain, 10pm Central & 11pm Eastern Time.
To speak directly to Pumkin, Quanda and Licious, call (646)478-5101.
Virginia Heffernan wrote an article in the New York Times that's titled, 'Charm School Teaching a lot more than Manners'.
In it, Ms. Heffernan makes a case that Charm School presents an unfiltered presentation of America's continuing debate on class and race. But, in a format where African-Americans are the majority and Caucasians and Asians are the minority.
In Mrs Hefferman's mind, "the white and Asian girls here — notably Becky (whom Flav used to call Buckwild), Brooke (Pumpkin) and Leilene (Smiley) — are singled out for their race."
And they are preyed upon by the "the most warlike of the women", Larissa, whom she says "constantly suggests that Leilene is a prostitute".
She's entitled to her opinion of course but why are the black women perceived as aggressive and overly possessed by race; whilst the white and Asian women are victims and stereotyped?
Anyways, you can read the article for yourself and draw your own conclusion.
Why didn't anyone say Charm School is aired on MTV as well?
I thought my cable box had gone awry last night when I saw last Sunday's Episode on the original reality television channel.
Anyways...good morning to all.
With two of four Caucasian sisters expelled from the first three episodes of 'Charm School', you wondered if Mo'Nique would send home another in Episode 4. Probably not I thought; so Buckwild (Becky) and Pumkin (Brooke) were safe this week.
(Just as well because we all know there aren't enough white people on television.)
Of course the real drama would be the reaction to Serious (Cristal) after she weaseled her way out of responsibility for Like Dat's (Darra) dress. And that's where Charm School Episode 4 began...
The opening scene featured Buckeey (Shay) stating the game is "getting very dirty", a reference to Cristal who is now enemy #1 because she got rid of a girl (Toasteee) whom no one wanted around.
Of course Becky didn't see it that way and she had to let us know that "after last night with Cristal ratting me out to Mo'....I am watching everything that comes out of her mouth"
(join the queue, babes; I stare at her sexy mouth all the time)
Before the hate and envy could get worse Mo'Nique interrupts with an intercom message to say the lesson today will be taught at another school (another?) and governed by the Fifth Commandment of Charm School -Thou Shalt Spit Mad Game With Style.
The other school turned out to be California State University, Fullerton; where they would be schooled on the art of effective communication by the Cal-State debate team.
As the girls entered the debate room we are treated to the tail-end of a speech condemning torture at Guantanamo Bay (these sanctimonious Liberals always piss me off with their holier than thou crap. Is it a coincidence that they had to air this anti-Bush nonsense?)
Anyways, the debate would be chaired by Dr Jon Bruschke (who looks like he's burnt a flag or two) who advises them on how you win a debate.
But his debate jargon didn't impress Saaphyri, "the teach he thought he was a 'master-bater'...I mean a master debater". She presented her own rules of argument:
- You cut them down low
- You hit them from the bottom of waist
- You cut them off whenever they talk
- You make sure that they don't talk back
(sounds like the way I pick-up women)
Bruschke chose teams (why?). Team A was Hottie (Schatar), Brooke, Goldie (Courtney), Bootz (Larissa), Smiley (Leilene)
And the others were Team B, naturally. The only thing worth mentioning is that Dr Jon messed up Saaphyri's name (he pronounced it as 'Safira') which proves co-incidence has a sense of humor.
So the teams skedaddled to their different rooms and the scene shifted to Team A; tutored by Tony, a white-looking black guy (obviously he couldn't tutor Team B because he and Becky would have confused the hell out of them)
Tony, totally bamboozled Leilene with sentences like, "one of the ways in which we support claims in a debate is by reading quotations from an author that's qualified in the field"
(I'd have been confused too; because he sounds like a claims adjuster, not a masterbater)
Turns out Leilene only got to the 10th or 11th grade (probably repeated 10th grade) which doesn't mean she's dumb, but means she's dumb enough to admit she doesn't understand (lmao. We all know Bootz, Brooke and Courtney were similarly clueless)
Meanwhile Team B (tutored by a woman who should be a lesbian, because women don't scorn)...
::::Wait. Hold up. I shouldn't have said that; but it's funny so I'll keep it there. But just know I didn't mean it.::::
Okay, so Team B's much more intelligent tutor decides they should practice (that's an idea, why didn't Team A's tutor think of that?) and their first topic is 'Larissa has anger management problems' with Cristal for the affirmative and Shay for the negative.
Simple for Cristal, you'd think, and her argument was, "Larissa has an anger management problem, I think everyone in the house has seen her blow-up" (uhmmm, we'll need a bit more than that Cristal).Shay, countered with, "I think Larissa does not have an anger management problem. She came into the house this way and, it's just the way she was raised. She obviously has issues with her parents that you don't know about"
(Now, I am no masterbater, well actually I am...but; how in the f*ck does that say Larissa does not have an anger management problem?)
They debated a second topic but it's not worth writing about because I was caught up in Cristal's traffic-light red bra. (I've said it before and I'll say it again. That girl is sexier than Oprah writing a cheque)
It was all fun and games until Keith Lewis (remember him? The Simon Cowell of Charm School) announced, "...in one hour, you are going to face off, in a tournament debate, in front of a live audience for your next test"
(that sucked the air out of Saaphyri's breasts)
And he announced a topic too...'All the people on Courtney's team should be expelled from Charm School'
But the first test was actually condemning a Team member to the bench as only four were permitted to debate. This was a crucial decision because the benched team member was open to elimination regardless of their team winning or not.The winning team's four debaters would be exempt from elimination
(I hope that made sense to any reader out there with a 10th grade education)
Team A benched Leilene because she's not a fighter, Goldie says. But Leilene's actually smarter than these mooks, because she knows the 4 of them will vote her to the bench anyway; so why fight like Custer?
Team B dropped Cristal to the bleachers because Becky hated her, Saaphyri envied her, Darra was seething about her feather weave and Shay would stab herself in the back if she thought it'd make her win.
Shay tried to console Cristal as they walked to the debate-room but Cristal brushed her aside saying, "I don't want to be touched right now"
Buckeey interpreted that as Serious being selfish; I interpreted that as Buckeey being an asshole.
The Debate
As the girls lined up in speaking order, Serious 'worked on' Mikki Taylor and Keith Lewis trying to explain her side of the story (what side? They don't like you...deal with it!)But it was debate time and first up was Becky Johnston (aka Buckwild, aka Becky Buckwild, aka Rebecca Johnston)
Her opposing debater was Brooke (aka Pumkin, aka the spitter, aka the bi-curious lesbian heterosexual). Pumkin matched the oratorical skills of Ms. Johnston but threw her good work away when she opined, "I've learnt that spitting on New York was not necessarily the best thing to do"
(you've only just learnt that? You cunt!)
Next up were the Bobsey twins (according to Hottie), Larissa and Shay.
Shay mocked Larissa, then warned us that Bootz either gets mad or tongue-twisted (when she's attacked, she meant to say, because Bootz spoke fluently for two reality shows)Turns out Shay must spend too much time with Bootz, because her (Larissa's) response was just as forewarned, "the judges, err, the judges, we don't listen to the judges...well I think that if we don't listen to the judges, we should listen to the judges and the whole point is that, when..if there's, if the judges need to teach us something, there's no point being in Charm School if you know everything"
(and this girl called Leilene, stupid?)
Saaphyri stepped to the podium -with Hottie from the opposing team- but directed her question to Brooke, "why did you feel that shaking your breast was the appropriate action?"
(the appropriate action for what? And why are you talking to Brooke, slurpee head?)
Hottie made many attempts to answer but was interrupted each time by Saaphyri and that prompted Goldie to finally say something funny, "Saaphyri turned into Johnnie Cochrane. The bitch thought she was in the OJ Trial"
(lmao, after one and half reality shows and all those segments on the V-Spot, finally, Goldie says something funny)
Darra and Goldie delivered the closing arguments but Darra completely missed the point of her team's focus. Goldie wasn't Martin Luther King at the Lincoln Memorial but she was on topic, at least.
It was time for the decision and Dr Bruschke awarded it to Goldie's team.
Buckwild was unimpressed and the Charm School Deans and Prinicpal were similarly unimpressed. Mo'Nique actually queried the decision with Bruschke
(afterall he just has a Ph. D in this shit; wtf does he know?)
Notwithstanding all that, Mo'Nique felt she had to tell off the winning team before congratulating them because she felt they were celebrating a "false victory" (wtf?)
That angered Bootz, "I think She's a hater" and spoke up about it (oh-oh)Bootz: It's funny when I don't get an attitude it ain't good enough. That's what I feel. When I was up there I didn't cuss nobody up, I didn't do anything like that. And I feel like ain't nothing good enough. That pisses me off (breaking into tears)
Mo'Nique: (interrupting and leaping from behind her table to confront Bootz) it should, it should!
It should piss you off to say, you know what...It should piss you off so much that you should say 'let me check my ass'.
They went on and on until Bootz said, "I think that you just don't like me. And that's your issue with me."
Mo'Nique: well I don't like Larissa. Larissa, as I told you, you ain't that special for me to pull you out and say I don't like you, and the reason I am having this conversation with you is because not too long ago, Mo'Nique was Larissa (your ass was never that skinny. Never!)
And somebody had to dig in my ass , repeatedly; and said "listen little girl, grow up! Because you walk around with a chip on your shoulder. Life will whip your ass if you keep acting like that."
Grow up, know what you're talking about before you start talking. Now, you done pissed me off
With that she walked away and the debate finally ended.
Leilene's meltdown
To wind down after the tense end to the debate the girls headed on over to the 'Off Campus Pub' and the girls went bananas.
Pumkin was hanging on to some guys tongue, Buckwild was hanging on to some guys face and Leilene couldn't let go of Bootz' attitude with Mo'Nique.
They got into it (Larissa and Leilene) and when things got heated Bootz brought up Leilene's children and her stripping. That got to Leilene and she bolted out the pub door as Bootz faked an attempt to hit her and slapped Buckwild's arm instead.
Outside Leilene pulled her usual lament, "I know why I'm dancing. If I have to dance and swallow my pride to put food on the table, I will do that with integrity and pride. I am not ashamed of that"
(at this point I am ready for elimination because I am tired of all this girlie shit)
The Elimination Ceremony
At Elimination Mo'Nique again reiterated to Bootz that she "needs to grow up" and continued her obsession with anal sex, "when life gets a hold of you, there's no Vaseline. It simply bends you over. And it's very painful"
In order, the three called "down tot he carpet" were, Saaphyri, Cristal and Leilene.Keith and Mikki gave Leilene the usual speech, whilst Keith seemed sympathetic to Cristal.
But as usual, the woman, Mikki, was hating on the beautiful girl, Cristal. (predictable)
And then the clue came thta Cristal was at risk...Mikki Taylor said Saaphyri did so much better than expected (wtf did you expect? You thought she'd kill somebody? She did nothing right!)
Leilene was returned to the upper area and it was down to Saaphyri and Cristal. Mo'Nique said it was "the toughest decision by far" but it was also the worst decision by far because Mo'Nique expelled Cristal in Episode 4
(it's tough to be pretty)
Laterz; thanks for reading.
When Mo'Nique, using the intercom thingy, announced "you have one hour to get ready, so please, dress to impress" it was pretty obvious that fashion had a large part to play, this week.
(Of course it helped that I saw all the adverts and the preview on the V-Spot, too.)
Courtney (Goldie) felt she needed to know whom they had to impress whilst Schatar (Hottie) was torn..."do I do business couture or evening couture?" (as if)
Cristal (Serious) took the announcement as an invitation to talk about herself;again.
My girl is paranoid about the perception of her and opted for "something kinda simple", ostensibly to not draw attention to herself. But soon she was pop-locking and dropping it; so there goes that theory.
(We love Serious but not as much as Serious loves Serious)
Speaking of love, Darra's (Like Dat's) breasts made me thirsty. And touchy-feely too (I wanted to feel her up so bad)
Anyways, the ladies gathered at the rendezvous point where Mo'Nique introduced them to her stylist, Timothy Snell. But not before remarking that some of the ladies aren't too familiar with dressing to impress.
The gathering was all about a style lesson and Timothy and Mikki Taylor were the lecturers. They noted Becky's (Buckwild) style as a "defined look" and Larissa (Bootz) agreed, "yes she has a define look, for herself, no one is gonna fucking wear that shit"
(with friends like Bootz your enemies can take a vacation)
Of course no discussion on fashion is complete without Schatar, and Mikki reminded us that every outfit of hers is the same length (she has ugly, skinny-ass legs methinks)
When Hottie stepped forward to address her sense of fashion she must have used a one-cup bra on her 44DD's because, as Saaphyri put it, "her boobs...one was up here by her chin and the other one was down by her ass"
(you'd have to be "very blessed" to get a boob job from her)
Saaphyri also mentioned Schatar's breasts, "needs to be fixed by a doctor" (lmwbhao)
Saaphyri, too, had an opportunity to explain her style and said "my style is inspired by brokeness" (this girl is too funny) but Schatar thought "she (Saaphyri) reminded me of a refugee"
The whole point of the exercise however, was about couture; and specifically, a fashion show to take place tomorrow in the house. And Mikki Taylor laid it out clearly..."you'll be competing in two teams of five, to design and create your own couture look."
The teams were to be sub-divided into two members responsible for designing and making the dress; one responsible for makeup, one to do the hair and the other will model the design.
The winning team's members will be exempted from elimination.
With 11 ladies and two teams of 5 an obvious problem exists.
They could have gone the route of chopping one contestant in half but they chose the not so bloody option of adding the odd girl out to the judging panel.
That person will also be granted immunity at elimination time.
That set off a volley of curse words, chit-chat and confrontation.
Bootz screamed "fucked up attitude" a thousand times and Serious recused herself from being a model for either team.
While they were arguing Saaphyri appointed herself Captain and began selecting the best possible girl for the four positions. She chose Leilene (Smiley) to model, Hottie, she is a shyster "who'll do anything to win", Larissa (a cosmetologist); and Shay (a model).
(Saaphyri was on some Ocean's Eleven shit)
Eventually they settled on Courtney as a "unanimous" choice to be the judge (what the hell do they see in Goldie?), overlooking Hottie's concern that she and Brooke (Pumkin) are the best of friends.
(That's enough of a reason to dislike Goldie)
I should mention for no reason at all, that Serious looked good-to-eat in her turtle-neck sweater. She is the business.
Preparing for the Show
The teams were now selected; with Cristal , Becky, Jennifer (Toasteee), Brooke and Darra working together by default. Jennifer and Becky were responsible for design and it was Buckwild who suggested Darra be the team's model because "Mo'Nique is going to be much easier on Darra".
After some misgivings they all agreed to have Like Dat model their couture.
(I thought it was a good idea, too.)
Darra was sold on the idea because according to her, "I do have a nice figure regardless of how big I am."
(She's not lying. Her ass looked great in the thong)
Team Saaphyri was busy at work as well, choosing the best fabric for their Korean/Chinese theme.
Team Cristal was caught up in accentuating the best parts of Darra; her legs, cleavage, and her back, which Cristal says is, "one of the sexiest parts of a woman's body"
(I can't disagree)
Cristal, was leading her team by example but Jennifer was not doing a gotdamn thing and missed a surprise visit from Judge Courtney because she needed a smoke. (where there's smoke there's fired)
The surprise visit did inform us that Cristal was not only the makeup-artist and contributing to the design; but she sews as well. (add all that to the pop-lock-and-drop dance and Cristal Steverson is the perfect woman)
All that talent bothered Hottie to the extent that she decided on a spying mission. But she departed a happy gal and sent Saaphyri and Bootz on a spy-mission of their own to confirm the 'disaster-waiting-to-happen', that was Team Cristal's design.
What they saw was Darra (the least expected choice) dressed in curtains and drapes.
(It worked for the Von Trapp kids in 'Sound of Music'; so why not Darra?)
Team Saaphyri, naturally, were very confident, but that didn't excuse the fat-jokes by Buckeey and Bootz. Overhearing the insults, Cristal remarked, "No matter what they say to us, I am sticking behind our design. I put a lot into it and we're expecting to get a lot out of it"
(remember those words!)
The Fashion Show
The next morning was the day of the Fashion Show and Team Saaphyri began work immediately. Keith stopped by to offer his opinions and described Smiley's makeup as "a bit like a corpse".
On Team Cristal, Serious was buzzing whilst Toastee caught some zzzz's. Keith paid them a visit as well and warned he needed to see contributions from each of the members.
It was back to the grind after his departure and Cristal realized Darra's girdle did not fit, so she mummified her; running tape around her stomach and those succulent breasts of hers.
(you could say she looked like an MILF: Mummy I'd Like (to)...)
And then the announcement came:
'Attention Ladies, please report to the Grand Hall. It's Showtime!'
Hottie introduced Team Saaphyri's model, Leilene, and she doth strode the runway. Every step seemed to drain the optimism of Team Cristal.
Rebecca "Buckwild" Johnston introduced Darra for her team and their theme was 'Walking on Air - A Couture Affair'.
Out came Darra looking not too bad, save for the feathers on her eyebrows and the hair on her dress. Mo'Nique's reaction was , "Oh my God! What is that?"
(Do I need to write any further?)
Needless to say the judges were not impressed, although it wasn't that bad I thought. Boots was even less impressed, "Darra looked like a f*cking chocolate-ass Big Bird. She can't walk on air; look at her...she's big as a house"
(that's just evil)
It was time to face the judges and it wasn't looking good for Cristal or her team. The judges questioned Team Saaphyri and they give adequate answers.
However Team's Cristal designer, Jennifer Toastee Toof wasn't as articulate.
Keith took over the questioning to ask Becky what was her contribution and she admitted the feather and hair-extensions on the dress were her ideas (I'm thinking Becky just put herself in the three to be eliminated)
Keith described their design as "roadkill" (that is so wrong)
Mo'Nique went off on the outfit and Toastee described the rolls on Like Dat's back as looking like a bunch of sausages (yeah Toasteee; we know you are an expert on sausages. Big, fat sausages)
But it didn't end there as Keith said, "my first impression when I saw you (Darra) were picked as the model is, this is a total manipulation; to try and get her (Mo'Nique) to be sympathetic with your look."
(Oh snap!)
"I did too", said Mo'Nique.
Mo'Nique then turned her attention to Cristal and said,"what is irritating me; Cristal, I just knew, like, my God, Cristal is going to turn this out."
"This was your time for America to see you be the model!"
(there goes Cristal in the three to be eliminated)
Mikki Taylor chimed in to let Darra know, "you wore a bad dress exceptionally well" and Keith said Cristal's decision to not model "put her entire team in jeopardy."
Insults ended, Mo'Nique turned to Courtney and said the choice was all hers. That choice was a no-brainer and she chose Leilene and Team Saaphyri.
Elimination Ceremony
After the decision, Cristal remained upset and decided on a private visit to Mo'Nique (oh shit, didn't Thela try that?)
Cristal told Mo'Nique "I wanted to let you know that I was not responsible for the dress. Buckwild; Beck and Jennifer made the dress. It was not my responsibility"
(uhmmm, if it were anyone else I'd be angry; but it's Serious, so anything she does is worth it)
Maybe Serious had a guilty conscience; but she told Brooke about her visit to the Principal Office and the news spread like wildfire. Why anyone would trust Brooke (Pumkin) is a mystery to me.
In the confessional Buckwild says she'd like to see Cristal go home (oh no you didn't.)
The announcement signaled the beginning of the ceremony:
'It's time for the third elimination in the Grand Hall'
In order, the three called were Becky, Jennifer and Cristal. Keith chastised Cristal for not modeling and Mikki Taylor said her motive was very selfish.
On Jennifer, Mikki said she saw very little progress this week and was amazed by her not taking any responsibility for the design. "I think you've made a weak application towards every challenge you've been involved in."
Keith was simple and to the point, "to me Jennifer; you're the most pathetic."
Keith told Becky it breaks his heart to see her as part of the bottom three (why?) and her explanation was, "I was fooled by Cristal and her false confidence."
For some reason that made no sense to me, Mo'Nique returned Becky to the group and deemed her safe. Why not leave her there and just not pick her?
Mo'Nique then turned to the ladies and asked them both why the other should go home (when did this become 'The Apprentice'?)
In the end, Jennifer 'Toasteee' Toof was expelled in Episode 3
Crying in her final statement to the Charm School viewers, Toasteee, said, "I am in so much shock and I don't understand what just happened. I didn't think I did anything wrong in this entire competition."
(Blah, blah, blah, blahbye)
(Of course it helped that I saw all the adverts and the preview on the V-Spot, too.)
Courtney (Goldie) felt she needed to know whom they had to impress whilst Schatar (Hottie) was torn..."do I do business couture or evening couture?" (as if)
Cristal (Serious) took the announcement as an invitation to talk about herself;again.
My girl is paranoid about the perception of her and opted for "something kinda simple", ostensibly to not draw attention to herself. But soon she was pop-locking and dropping it; so there goes that theory.
(We love Serious but not as much as Serious loves Serious)
Speaking of love, Darra's (Like Dat's) breasts made me thirsty. And touchy-feely too (I wanted to feel her up so bad)
Anyways, the ladies gathered at the rendezvous point where Mo'Nique introduced them to her stylist, Timothy Snell. But not before remarking that some of the ladies aren't too familiar with dressing to impress.
The gathering was all about a style lesson and Timothy and Mikki Taylor were the lecturers. They noted Becky's (Buckwild) style as a "defined look" and Larissa (Bootz) agreed, "yes she has a define look, for herself, no one is gonna fucking wear that shit"
(with friends like Bootz your enemies can take a vacation)
Of course no discussion on fashion is complete without Schatar, and Mikki reminded us that every outfit of hers is the same length (she has ugly, skinny-ass legs methinks)When Hottie stepped forward to address her sense of fashion she must have used a one-cup bra on her 44DD's because, as Saaphyri put it, "her boobs...one was up here by her chin and the other one was down by her ass"
(you'd have to be "very blessed" to get a boob job from her)
Saaphyri also mentioned Schatar's breasts, "needs to be fixed by a doctor" (lmwbhao)
Saaphyri, too, had an opportunity to explain her style and said "my style is inspired by brokeness" (this girl is too funny) but Schatar thought "she (Saaphyri) reminded me of a refugee"
The whole point of the exercise however, was about couture; and specifically, a fashion show to take place tomorrow in the house. And Mikki Taylor laid it out clearly..."you'll be competing in two teams of five, to design and create your own couture look."
The teams were to be sub-divided into two members responsible for designing and making the dress; one responsible for makeup, one to do the hair and the other will model the design.
The winning team's members will be exempted from elimination.
With 11 ladies and two teams of 5 an obvious problem exists.
They could have gone the route of chopping one contestant in half but they chose the not so bloody option of adding the odd girl out to the judging panel.
That person will also be granted immunity at elimination time.
That set off a volley of curse words, chit-chat and confrontation.Bootz screamed "fucked up attitude" a thousand times and Serious recused herself from being a model for either team.
While they were arguing Saaphyri appointed herself Captain and began selecting the best possible girl for the four positions. She chose Leilene (Smiley) to model, Hottie, she is a shyster "who'll do anything to win", Larissa (a cosmetologist); and Shay (a model).
(Saaphyri was on some Ocean's Eleven shit)
Eventually they settled on Courtney as a "unanimous" choice to be the judge (what the hell do they see in Goldie?), overlooking Hottie's concern that she and Brooke (Pumkin) are the best of friends.
(That's enough of a reason to dislike Goldie)
I should mention for no reason at all, that Serious looked good-to-eat in her turtle-neck sweater. She is the business.
Preparing for the Show
The teams were now selected; with Cristal , Becky, Jennifer (Toasteee), Brooke and Darra working together by default. Jennifer and Becky were responsible for design and it was Buckwild who suggested Darra be the team's model because "Mo'Nique is going to be much easier on Darra".After some misgivings they all agreed to have Like Dat model their couture.
(I thought it was a good idea, too.)
Darra was sold on the idea because according to her, "I do have a nice figure regardless of how big I am."
(She's not lying. Her ass looked great in the thong)
Team Saaphyri was busy at work as well, choosing the best fabric for their Korean/Chinese theme.
Team Cristal was caught up in accentuating the best parts of Darra; her legs, cleavage, and her back, which Cristal says is, "one of the sexiest parts of a woman's body"
(I can't disagree)
Cristal, was leading her team by example but Jennifer was not doing a gotdamn thing and missed a surprise visit from Judge Courtney because she needed a smoke. (where there's smoke there's fired)
The surprise visit did inform us that Cristal was not only the makeup-artist and contributing to the design; but she sews as well. (add all that to the pop-lock-and-drop dance and Cristal Steverson is the perfect woman)
All that talent bothered Hottie to the extent that she decided on a spying mission. But she departed a happy gal and sent Saaphyri and Bootz on a spy-mission of their own to confirm the 'disaster-waiting-to-happen', that was Team Cristal's design.
What they saw was Darra (the least expected choice) dressed in curtains and drapes.
(It worked for the Von Trapp kids in 'Sound of Music'; so why not Darra?)
Team Saaphyri, naturally, were very confident, but that didn't excuse the fat-jokes by Buckeey and Bootz. Overhearing the insults, Cristal remarked, "No matter what they say to us, I am sticking behind our design. I put a lot into it and we're expecting to get a lot out of it"
(remember those words!)
The Fashion Show
The next morning was the day of the Fashion Show and Team Saaphyri began work immediately. Keith stopped by to offer his opinions and described Smiley's makeup as "a bit like a corpse".
On Team Cristal, Serious was buzzing whilst Toastee caught some zzzz's. Keith paid them a visit as well and warned he needed to see contributions from each of the members.
It was back to the grind after his departure and Cristal realized Darra's girdle did not fit, so she mummified her; running tape around her stomach and those succulent breasts of hers.
(you could say she looked like an MILF: Mummy I'd Like (to)...)
And then the announcement came:
'Attention Ladies, please report to the Grand Hall. It's Showtime!'
Hottie introduced Team Saaphyri's model, Leilene, and she doth strode the runway. Every step seemed to drain the optimism of Team Cristal.Rebecca "Buckwild" Johnston introduced Darra for her team and their theme was 'Walking on Air - A Couture Affair'.
Out came Darra looking not too bad, save for the feathers on her eyebrows and the hair on her dress. Mo'Nique's reaction was , "Oh my God! What is that?"
(Do I need to write any further?)
Needless to say the judges were not impressed, although it wasn't that bad I thought. Boots was even less impressed, "Darra looked like a f*cking chocolate-ass Big Bird. She can't walk on air; look at her...she's big as a house"
(that's just evil)
It was time to face the judges and it wasn't looking good for Cristal or her team. The judges questioned Team Saaphyri and they give adequate answers.
However Team's Cristal designer, Jennifer Toastee Toof wasn't as articulate.
Keith took over the questioning to ask Becky what was her contribution and she admitted the feather and hair-extensions on the dress were her ideas (I'm thinking Becky just put herself in the three to be eliminated)
Keith described their design as "roadkill" (that is so wrong)
Mo'Nique went off on the outfit and Toastee described the rolls on Like Dat's back as looking like a bunch of sausages (yeah Toasteee; we know you are an expert on sausages. Big, fat sausages)But it didn't end there as Keith said, "my first impression when I saw you (Darra) were picked as the model is, this is a total manipulation; to try and get her (Mo'Nique) to be sympathetic with your look."
(Oh snap!)
"I did too", said Mo'Nique.
Mo'Nique then turned her attention to Cristal and said,"what is irritating me; Cristal, I just knew, like, my God, Cristal is going to turn this out."
"This was your time for America to see you be the model!"
(there goes Cristal in the three to be eliminated)
Mikki Taylor chimed in to let Darra know, "you wore a bad dress exceptionally well" and Keith said Cristal's decision to not model "put her entire team in jeopardy."
Insults ended, Mo'Nique turned to Courtney and said the choice was all hers. That choice was a no-brainer and she chose Leilene and Team Saaphyri.
Elimination Ceremony
After the decision, Cristal remained upset and decided on a private visit to Mo'Nique (oh shit, didn't Thela try that?)
Cristal told Mo'Nique "I wanted to let you know that I was not responsible for the dress. Buckwild; Beck and Jennifer made the dress. It was not my responsibility"
(uhmmm, if it were anyone else I'd be angry; but it's Serious, so anything she does is worth it)
Maybe Serious had a guilty conscience; but she told Brooke about her visit to the Principal Office and the news spread like wildfire. Why anyone would trust Brooke (Pumkin) is a mystery to me.
In the confessional Buckwild says she'd like to see Cristal go home (oh no you didn't.)
The announcement signaled the beginning of the ceremony:
'It's time for the third elimination in the Grand Hall'
In order, the three called were Becky, Jennifer and Cristal. Keith chastised Cristal for not modeling and Mikki Taylor said her motive was very selfish.On Jennifer, Mikki said she saw very little progress this week and was amazed by her not taking any responsibility for the design. "I think you've made a weak application towards every challenge you've been involved in."
Keith was simple and to the point, "to me Jennifer; you're the most pathetic."
Keith told Becky it breaks his heart to see her as part of the bottom three (why?) and her explanation was, "I was fooled by Cristal and her false confidence."
For some reason that made no sense to me, Mo'Nique returned Becky to the group and deemed her safe. Why not leave her there and just not pick her?
Mo'Nique then turned to the ladies and asked them both why the other should go home (when did this become 'The Apprentice'?)
In the end, Jennifer 'Toasteee' Toof was expelled in Episode 3
Crying in her final statement to the Charm School viewers, Toasteee, said, "I am in so much shock and I don't understand what just happened. I didn't think I did anything wrong in this entire competition."
(Blah, blah, blah, blahbye)
This recap of Charm School is bananas and here's what you get from Aurelius (Bhatti to his mates):
- he drinks cocktails (he's underage)
- admits to having erections watching Flavor Of love (is his mommy watching?)
- raps better than Buckwild (not that difficult is it?)
- says Krazy can sing (it's the liquor)
- hires a co-star (it's Misterballer so don't get excited)
- says he's sexy (it's the liquor)
And ultimately, you'll see the best clips of Episode 2 of Charm School.
So let's get to it; because not every website can boast of a Tom Cruise look-a-like starring in it's "sponsored" video-recaps.
Where Does An Old B@tch Begin?
This is my first full recap. And it may be my last ...Steups is the recap man and well it's his blog. You all never realize how much 'drama' goes on behind the scenes on this blog. Babies let me tell you, some people in e-mail behave like 'Cujo' on steroids. It gets ugly up in my e-mail. But have no fear ...I am a pit bull on crack. I will f@ck a muthaf@ckah up...trust.
Anyhow, Q. is about to recap 'Charm School' Episode 2. And Episode 2 was off the chain! I absolutely loved it. The girls have settled in and they are showing their @sses (some literally). I love these women. And watching Episode 2 reminded of why I loved 'Flavor of Love' so very much. As a VH-1 viewer I rather watch women being catty than men being b@tches. And that is on the real folks. Thank God for estrogen power. The only thing that could make 'Charm School' better in my mind is ...if Whiteboy was a 'Kissing Instructor' in each and every episode. And Quanda cast as his assistant to demonstrate how to properly kiss, fondle his body, rip off his clothes, lick my.....Oh my goodness, I am so sorry! My apologies, I am all caught up and twisted by that man's swagger. Let us get on with this recap before I start perving his mySpace page again.
'Charm School' Episode 2 begins with a shot of a melon colored room. We hear a 'heavenly' voice singing 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' and it's Heather one of The Balcony Brawlers. I may never get a Krazy interview after this comment. But to hell with it ..."Why the f@ck is Krazy singing nursery rhymes?!" I am sorry Nevaeh but d@mn baby sing something like 'Come to Me' or the chorus to T-Pain's 'Buy U a Drink' ..."Ohh, ohh, ohh we in the the bed like ohh, ohh, ohh." Just don't make no d@mn sense to me. Becky The Blackest White Girl is getting dressed in her 'Charm School' uniform. Then we flash to the Charmfessional where Buckwild shares a tidbit with us, " Heather really thinks she's Diana Ross or something. Like super diva of all divas walkin' around the house like she Mariah Carey. I am just like shut the hell up." Thank you Becky from the pits of my evil soul ....mwuahahahahaha.
Downstairs the 'Charm School' beauties are munching on some breakfast. D@mn they have a school intercom in that b@tch (b@tch = house). So Mo'nique chimes in on the intercom, "Good morning ladies. Please put on your full uniforms and meet me downstairs in the Grand Hall for your next lesson." We then see some pulling up of knee highs and lotioning of thighs. VH-1 sure in the hell keeps the male audience happy ...don't they? The ladies gather in the Grand Hall. Mo'nique reminds the 'Charm School' students of the third commandment; Thou Shalt Show Some Class. I'm thinking this is about to be a tough one. Mo'nique mentions something about representing yourself properly in public. And if you act a fool you'll be treated like a fool. ( All I have to say is let a b@tch cut me in line. It going to get crackin' ...wherever I am...word!) Mo'nique introduces the 'Charm School' Etiquette Coach Colette Swan. Whoa, no disrespect but this broad is stuffier than a 2 year old's booger filled nose during flu season. I felt a breeze and I wasn't even in the Grand Hall. Anyhow the lady has some sort of school. I should figure it out but to hell with details. I am not a commercial. All of the sudden we get to see Schatar The Crazy Girl (right?). Hottie is talking about being a direct descendant of royalty. Omg...this made me spit up my Cherry Coke. She also states that she has a grasp of proper etiquette. I wish she would grasp that she must brush her pet. Wig It is looking a bit tangle-ly. In spite of her own hair issues she looks to her left. Hottie notices that Heather is wearing red hooker heels. " You'd think she might know better. But maybe that's her day job."
Lawd hammercy, Miss Swan begins the lesson. She instructs Becky to walk and sit in the chair. She isn't too thrilled with The Blackest White Girl's performance. And informs her that she could see her Britney (think vagina ....HaHaHaHaHa). Colette is uppity but her humor is on point. Back to the Charmfessional, Becky is talking about letting Sargeant Jones see her little vagina. (Buckwild we need to talk!) Next is Goldie, and Colette tells her that she's swinging her butt. Message to Miss Swan ...when one has an @ss it swings ...thank you. We see a variety of the 'Charm School' students walk the carpet. Colette is merciless. And then it's Heaven's *coughs Heather's turn. The founder of Colette Swan's School of Etiquette notices her shoes. And she delivers her critique of Heather's shoe choice. She refers to the red hooker heels as "stripperish."
Now they must walk with books on their heads. Becky is first and struggles. Toasteee of all people states, "Becky is very unlady like. This girl has no charm." Oh hell another potential interview is about to go up in smoke. Ummmm....charmed any penises lately Jennifer? And the bigger question is, was it recorded? Fall back off of Buckwild ...enough typed. Cristal is next. She's not too enthused about messing up her Mohawk. She nails the walking with book on head. *claps Was it me or were the rest of you wanting to see how Saaphyri put the book on her head with that 'Pebbles' ponytail going on?
Moving on ...it's table manners time. Let us all say a prayer for Darra The Slob. While some of you are sleeping on Like Dat. This thicky thick sister is bringin' her 'A' game. And I am loving it. Miss Swan shows the ladies hand signs to make at the table to help them remember the proper placement of things. I instantly thought gang signs at the table. I wasn't the only one. Saaphyri in the Charmfessional says, " In my neighborhood or at my table , with my family ...if we would've thrown up some gang signs we would've got slapped across the head...." Smiley is looking confused. I will say she is a looker. Courtney The Puker takes her turn in the Charmfessional. Oh Goldie, "D@mn b@tch, open your ears. It's not that hard." Colette asks the confused Leilene The Crier to make a toast. And she delivers one with clinks on top of clinks.
Alrighty, we discover that 'The Bachelor' Andrew Firestone is coming to evaluate the 'Charm School' ladies. Andrew is a cutie. He is going to be judging the girls on grace, poise and being able to handle yourself in any situation. The 12 remaining students must pick a partner to sit and chat up Andrew. Their goal is to outshine their partner. The six ladies that charm Mr. Firestone get to eat dinner with him. And the two who outshine the others get to have dessert. The one who outshines the other during dessert gets to present a wine for the Firestone winery.
Krazy's dress and suits are missing. The culprit is Schatar. Poor, poor victim Heather she is ripe for slaughter. We see crying, excessive whining and screaming from Heather. Huh...how about look for your dress?! Pumkin being a sweetie, searches for the missing attire. Missing attire found, Heather puts on her $400 dress. It's a nice dress ...I don't know about $400 though. ( I am cheap and on a budget.)
So the pairs sit on a love seat and chat up Mr. Firestone. *Quanda blinks eyes $$$.
Darra The Slob vs. Saaphyri The Fighter = The Slob wins.
Cristal The Egomaniac vs. Buckeey The Balcony Brawler = The Egomaniac wins.
Courtney The Puker vs. Leilene The Crier = The Crier wins.
Becky The Blackest White Girl vs. Jennifer The Porn Girl = The Blackest White Girl wins.
Brooke The Spitter vs. Larissa The Hater = The Hater wins.
Schatar The Crazy Girl vs. Heather The Balcony Brawler = The Crazy Girl wins.
So the six victorious 'Charm School' charmers sit to have dinner. I remember one person at dinner. It was Cristal The Egomaniac. She basically said, " I ...I ...well I ...personally...I ...I ...I" Yep, I remember Cristal. Thank God, Andrew remembered more than I. He selects Darra and Schatar to share dessert with his cute $elf. Darra is serving it. She is showing poise and grace. Schatar sees this and pulls out all of the stops. We see tears of grief based on her physician mother's car accident. The accident apparently left her mother stuck in a wheelchair for two years. (Is this a true story? Or did she pull that out of her @ss?) Bottom line
Schatar comes out the winner. Andrew Firestone chooses Schatar to present a new product presentation. Schatar is overjoyed. She gives a victory walk/dance and then regains her composure. Darra feels conned and robbed ...LMAO.
Back in the room Brooke has displayed Schatar's allege dirty panties over her picture. Brooke shame on you! Schatar the queen of composure or delusions doesn't let it ruffle her feathers a bit. I love it when that woman blinks.
People, I am not cut out for recaps. But I said I'd do it. So moving right along next day...Schatar's limousine swoops her up for her Firestone presentation. Flash to Schatar arriving at the Firestone winery. She steps out to greet Andrew. As they make their way inside she trips AND FALLS. I love Hottie *coughs Schatar. (VH-1 please I need a Schatar Show. If I have to write it... I will.) Inside Schatar greets her audience of seven. They look a little miffed. She carries on with her presentation. As she uncovers the display ...it crashes to the ground. *spits up Cherry Coke
The eleven remaining 'Charm School' students must cook lunch for Mo'nique. Mo'nique being no one's fool, has her cookbook 'Skinny Cooks Can't Be Trusted' available to assist the ladies. Everyone helps with the preparing of a lovely meal. Did I type everyone? My bad, Leilene was too busy talking to herself. Trying to apparently coax herself into cooking ...wtf?! So she makes grilled cheese sandwiches ...yummy yum.
Back at the winery ...when all is done Andrew thanks Schatar and says goodbye. Andrew's conclusion she needs refinement in the dress code.
Back to the Mo'nique meal. The girls turn on Leilene for not helping out. The crier cries and says she is willing to learn if given the proper tools. Does the 'Charm School' kitchen lack utensils? Were there not groceries? Did you not see the cookbook? Whatever ....who said "Me love him long time."? Oh yeah thanks Courtney. Cristal The Egomaniac talks more about herself at lunch. That 'Charm School' babe can talk!
Bringin' it in ... we are at the 'Explosion' Ceremony. Mo'nique calls down Larrissa The Hater, Heather The Balcony Brawler and Cristal The Egomaniac. I know Cristal ain't goin' home. One she's eye candy for the male, lesbian and bisexual audience. Two, egomaniac or not she is one funny girl. They didn't focus on Larrissa too much. Even though she was looking evil chumping on that bagel. So that leaves Heather a.k.a. Krazy up for slaughter. And yep... she is expelled for always being a victim. *waves bye to Nevaeh
You have just shared a Qmoment!
This is my first full recap. And it may be my last ...Steups is the recap man and well it's his blog. You all never realize how much 'drama' goes on behind the scenes on this blog. Babies let me tell you, some people in e-mail behave like 'Cujo' on steroids. It gets ugly up in my e-mail. But have no fear ...I am a pit bull on crack. I will f@ck a muthaf@ckah up...trust.
Anyhow, Q. is about to recap 'Charm School' Episode 2. And Episode 2 was off the chain! I absolutely loved it. The girls have settled in and they are showing their @sses (some literally). I love these women. And watching Episode 2 reminded of why I loved 'Flavor of Love' so very much. As a VH-1 viewer I rather watch women being catty than men being b@tches. And that is on the real folks. Thank God for estrogen power. The only thing that could make 'Charm School' better in my mind is ...if Whiteboy was a 'Kissing Instructor' in each and every episode. And Quanda cast as his assistant to demonstrate how to properly kiss, fondle his body, rip off his clothes, lick my.....Oh my goodness, I am so sorry! My apologies, I am all caught up and twisted by that man's swagger. Let us get on with this recap before I start perving his mySpace page again.
'Charm School' Episode 2 begins with a shot of a melon colored room. We hear a 'heavenly' voice singing 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' and it's Heather one of The Balcony Brawlers. I may never get a Krazy interview after this comment. But to hell with it ..."Why the f@ck is Krazy singing nursery rhymes?!" I am sorry Nevaeh but d@mn baby sing something like 'Come to Me' or the chorus to T-Pain's 'Buy U a Drink' ..."Ohh, ohh, ohh we in the the bed like ohh, ohh, ohh." Just don't make no d@mn sense to me. Becky The Blackest White Girl is getting dressed in her 'Charm School' uniform. Then we flash to the Charmfessional where Buckwild shares a tidbit with us, " Heather really thinks she's Diana Ross or something. Like super diva of all divas walkin' around the house like she Mariah Carey. I am just like shut the hell up." Thank you Becky from the pits of my evil soul ....mwuahahahahaha.
Downstairs the 'Charm School' beauties are munching on some breakfast. D@mn they have a school intercom in that b@tch (b@tch = house). So Mo'nique chimes in on the intercom, "Good morning ladies. Please put on your full uniforms and meet me downstairs in the Grand Hall for your next lesson." We then see some pulling up of knee highs and lotioning of thighs. VH-1 sure in the hell keeps the male audience happy ...don't they? The ladies gather in the Grand Hall. Mo'nique reminds the 'Charm School' students of the third commandment; Thou Shalt Show Some Class. I'm thinking this is about to be a tough one. Mo'nique mentions something about representing yourself properly in public. And if you act a fool you'll be treated like a fool. ( All I have to say is let a b@tch cut me in line. It going to get crackin' ...wherever I am...word!) Mo'nique introduces the 'Charm School' Etiquette Coach Colette Swan. Whoa, no disrespect but this broad is stuffier than a 2 year old's booger filled nose during flu season. I felt a breeze and I wasn't even in the Grand Hall. Anyhow the lady has some sort of school. I should figure it out but to hell with details. I am not a commercial. All of the sudden we get to see Schatar The Crazy Girl (right?). Hottie is talking about being a direct descendant of royalty. Omg...this made me spit up my Cherry Coke. She also states that she has a grasp of proper etiquette. I wish she would grasp that she must brush her pet. Wig It is looking a bit tangle-ly. In spite of her own hair issues she looks to her left. Hottie notices that Heather is wearing red hooker heels. " You'd think she might know better. But maybe that's her day job."
Lawd hammercy, Miss Swan begins the lesson. She instructs Becky to walk and sit in the chair. She isn't too thrilled with The Blackest White Girl's performance. And informs her that she could see her Britney (think vagina ....HaHaHaHaHa). Colette is uppity but her humor is on point. Back to the Charmfessional, Becky is talking about letting Sargeant Jones see her little vagina. (Buckwild we need to talk!) Next is Goldie, and Colette tells her that she's swinging her butt. Message to Miss Swan ...when one has an @ss it swings ...thank you. We see a variety of the 'Charm School' students walk the carpet. Colette is merciless. And then it's Heaven's *coughs Heather's turn. The founder of Colette Swan's School of Etiquette notices her shoes. And she delivers her critique of Heather's shoe choice. She refers to the red hooker heels as "stripperish."Now they must walk with books on their heads. Becky is first and struggles. Toasteee of all people states, "Becky is very unlady like. This girl has no charm." Oh hell another potential interview is about to go up in smoke. Ummmm....charmed any penises lately Jennifer? And the bigger question is, was it recorded? Fall back off of Buckwild ...enough typed. Cristal is next. She's not too enthused about messing up her Mohawk. She nails the walking with book on head. *claps Was it me or were the rest of you wanting to see how Saaphyri put the book on her head with that 'Pebbles' ponytail going on?
Moving on ...it's table manners time. Let us all say a prayer for Darra The Slob. While some of you are sleeping on Like Dat. This thicky thick sister is bringin' her 'A' game. And I am loving it. Miss Swan shows the ladies hand signs to make at the table to help them remember the proper placement of things. I instantly thought gang signs at the table. I wasn't the only one. Saaphyri in the Charmfessional says, " In my neighborhood or at my table , with my family ...if we would've thrown up some gang signs we would've got slapped across the head...." Smiley is looking confused. I will say she is a looker. Courtney The Puker takes her turn in the Charmfessional. Oh Goldie, "D@mn b@tch, open your ears. It's not that hard." Colette asks the confused Leilene The Crier to make a toast. And she delivers one with clinks on top of clinks.
Alrighty, we discover that 'The Bachelor' Andrew Firestone is coming to evaluate the 'Charm School' ladies. Andrew is a cutie. He is going to be judging the girls on grace, poise and being able to handle yourself in any situation. The 12 remaining students must pick a partner to sit and chat up Andrew. Their goal is to outshine their partner. The six ladies that charm Mr. Firestone get to eat dinner with him. And the two who outshine the others get to have dessert. The one who outshines the other during dessert gets to present a wine for the Firestone winery.Krazy's dress and suits are missing. The culprit is Schatar. Poor, poor victim Heather she is ripe for slaughter. We see crying, excessive whining and screaming from Heather. Huh...how about look for your dress?! Pumkin being a sweetie, searches for the missing attire. Missing attire found, Heather puts on her $400 dress. It's a nice dress ...I don't know about $400 though. ( I am cheap and on a budget.)
So the pairs sit on a love seat and chat up Mr. Firestone. *Quanda blinks eyes $$$.
Darra The Slob vs. Saaphyri The Fighter = The Slob wins.
Cristal The Egomaniac vs. Buckeey The Balcony Brawler = The Egomaniac wins.
Courtney The Puker vs. Leilene The Crier = The Crier wins.
Becky The Blackest White Girl vs. Jennifer The Porn Girl = The Blackest White Girl wins.
Brooke The Spitter vs. Larissa The Hater = The Hater wins.
Schatar The Crazy Girl vs. Heather The Balcony Brawler = The Crazy Girl wins.
So the six victorious 'Charm School' charmers sit to have dinner. I remember one person at dinner. It was Cristal The Egomaniac. She basically said, " I ...I ...well I ...personally...I ...I ...I" Yep, I remember Cristal. Thank God, Andrew remembered more than I. He selects Darra and Schatar to share dessert with his cute $elf. Darra is serving it. She is showing poise and grace. Schatar sees this and pulls out all of the stops. We see tears of grief based on her physician mother's car accident. The accident apparently left her mother stuck in a wheelchair for two years. (Is this a true story? Or did she pull that out of her @ss?) Bottom line
Schatar comes out the winner. Andrew Firestone chooses Schatar to present a new product presentation. Schatar is overjoyed. She gives a victory walk/dance and then regains her composure. Darra feels conned and robbed ...LMAO.Back in the room Brooke has displayed Schatar's allege dirty panties over her picture. Brooke shame on you! Schatar the queen of composure or delusions doesn't let it ruffle her feathers a bit. I love it when that woman blinks.
People, I am not cut out for recaps. But I said I'd do it. So moving right along next day...Schatar's limousine swoops her up for her Firestone presentation. Flash to Schatar arriving at the Firestone winery. She steps out to greet Andrew. As they make their way inside she trips AND FALLS. I love Hottie *coughs Schatar. (VH-1 please I need a Schatar Show. If I have to write it... I will.) Inside Schatar greets her audience of seven. They look a little miffed. She carries on with her presentation. As she uncovers the display ...it crashes to the ground. *spits up Cherry Coke
The eleven remaining 'Charm School' students must cook lunch for Mo'nique. Mo'nique being no one's fool, has her cookbook 'Skinny Cooks Can't Be Trusted' available to assist the ladies. Everyone helps with the preparing of a lovely meal. Did I type everyone? My bad, Leilene was too busy talking to herself. Trying to apparently coax herself into cooking ...wtf?! So she makes grilled cheese sandwiches ...yummy yum.
Back at the winery ...when all is done Andrew thanks Schatar and says goodbye. Andrew's conclusion she needs refinement in the dress code.
Back to the Mo'nique meal. The girls turn on Leilene for not helping out. The crier cries and says she is willing to learn if given the proper tools. Does the 'Charm School' kitchen lack utensils? Were there not groceries? Did you not see the cookbook? Whatever ....who said "Me love him long time."? Oh yeah thanks Courtney. Cristal The Egomaniac talks more about herself at lunch. That 'Charm School' babe can talk!
Bringin' it in ... we are at the 'Explosion' Ceremony. Mo'nique calls down Larrissa The Hater, Heather The Balcony Brawler and Cristal The Egomaniac. I know Cristal ain't goin' home. One she's eye candy for the male, lesbian and bisexual audience. Two, egomaniac or not she is one funny girl. They didn't focus on Larrissa too much. Even though she was looking evil chumping on that bagel. So that leaves Heather a.k.a. Krazy up for slaughter. And yep... she is expelled for always being a victim. *waves bye to Nevaeh
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