I Love New York Episode 6 recap

Once again, I was late for an episode of I Love New York. But I had a proper excuse, because I couldn't find the corkscrew to pop my bottle of Undurraga, Cabernet Sauvignon 2005.
Yes, your boy is both sophisticated and cheap.
Let's get to the show shall we.

The opening scene is a classic glide across the mansion and it's a beautiful house indeed. It's no Frank Lloyd Wright; but there is absolutely no truth to the rumor that New York was gifted the house at the end of the show. Uh-uh.
This house is worth a lot.

Our first sight of humanity is Mr. Boston, but earlier we saw Whiteboy surface from under a tackily patterned coverlet. I don't know about you, but I don't know any man who sleeps with his entire body covered. Not that I've slept with any man to know for sure, heh.
(Well take it from someone who has slept with a man.Some men sleep under the covers and they do other things under there too. Pleasurable things, I might add. Whiteboy looks rather sex waking up. And I am glad that he is waking up to less noise)

Chamo might know.
(And I'm thinking Steups might know, too.)
New York's assistant made his customary appearance with the challenge, dressed in shocking-pink trousers and shirt, opened and knotted at his midriff (think Harry Belafonte) (When have you seen Harry Belafonte dress or look like that?)
The challenge warns the guys of the visit of a few of New York's female friends and their interest is piqued. Speaking to Mr Boston, as they dress for the event; Tango speculates, "there's gonna be some females with some kind of status"
Immediately it's obvious that Tango has attached himself to Mr. Boston; the only guy left who doesn't hate his guts.

The guys dress quickly and New York addresses them and soon enough we learn those females with status are actually some raggedy-ass little kids. I would have described them more affectionately, but I am not feeling daughters right now, lol. (inside joke) (You aren't funny and you are going to have to learn how to respect people's family. Mad because a 17 year old out smarted you?)
Before she leaves for a shopping spree with Chamo, New York alerts the contestants that the challenge is about "who's gonna be the best dad" and warns that "the losers are gonna cook my mom, dinner."

They proceed to the garden...six contestants and 13 little girls.
Chance's strategy is to be the obnoxious, anything-I-say-goes Dad; but there is a sassy little girl who repels that scheme right quick, and before long he is being chased all over the garden.
(damn, the show is so boring I have not yet added one of my witty, italicized comments)

Uncle 12 Pack (that's what he called himself) asks for makeup on the face of "a very good-looking man", as he described himself.
(what can I say? I can't hate; he really is a good-looking guy)

Mr. Boston is soliciting, trading votes for their doing anything they want to him; and Chance is still being chased although his description of the girls as "terrorists" made me chuckle. I have to admit, Chance was rip-roaring funny for the entire episode.

Tango is being Mr. Nice guy, speaking to the girls in his Michael Landon voice and using his smarts to pressure the kids by saying, "I actually, kinda like New York a whole lot"
The dude is clever, in a Richard Hatch (Survivor) meets Coral (the Real World) sort of way.

Whiteboy and Real have pretty much bailed on this challenge. Real's reasoning is most of these kids need to be in a zoo, whilst Whiteboy couldn't participate because he "got cupcakes all over (his) shades"
(The guy is insufferable)

Eventually, New York returns and gathers the children to determine who was the best daddy, because "she's 'looking for a great Dad, not a mediocre Dad"
(wonders why I quoted that?)

In order she shows the kids the pictures of the contestants and gauges their reactions:

1. 12 Pack - 'thumbs-down. Why? "Because he's ugly" (Oh the irony)
   
2. Real - 'thumbs down' Why? "I don't remember him at the party"
   
3. Whiteboy - Nooooooo. Why? "He's retarded"
   
4. Tango -

Wait a minute! Laughing my motherf*cking ass off...the sassy kid said he is "retarded"
And she said it with the innocent honesty, only a child can muster.

organ music plays
(Hallelujah holla back.
And the Bible says.... 'A little child shall lead them. Out of babes and sucklings he has ordained strength'.)

Kids just cut to the chase. None of this Quanda-devotion mess...your ass is retarded!
Back to the challenge



4. Tango - the kids love him. Why? "He helped me find my bag"
5. Chance - a din of disapproval. Why? The sassy kid stands to say "that is not a real man, honey"

Laughing my motherf*cking ass off.
I won't lie, a woman said that to me, once...so I'll leave Chance alone.
(I think I need to explain the line above)
(No explanation needed, real men don't ride other men's nuts based on envy.)

6. Boston - cheers upon cheers.

It's a tie, sort of; but New York decides on Mr. Boston as the winner of a date with our sexy superstar.

The Date
Boston looked mighty dapper in a Saville Row business suit and he was understandably nervous for his "first date with a black woman"
(I know how that goes. Inter-racial dating is never simple)
New York was beautifully attired; if only her hair-stylist were half as good as the person who selects her evening wear.
( Well I was thinking her hair was looking better than usual. The make up was extra. Extra as if you are not a drag queen, ease up on the application. She did work the hell out of the ensemble.)

The date was a mixture of corny lines and sensuous kissing; a combination that never seems to work for me. Boston looked a dead cert to make it to the final 5.
( I thought he was going to give it to her 'proper' like Flavor Flav did. She seemed so into him.)

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Sister Patterson arrived and told them she was really hungry as she handed over the menu for tonight.
"Look it over, make it right, make it taste good"
Each guy was given a dish to prepare
Tango had the lobster, Whiteboy, the soup (he looks like he ate a whole lot of Ramens doesn't he?)
Real had the salad, and the rice and cake were 12 Pack's and Chance's, respectively.

The Dinner
It was serving time and Tango boasted that he's "actually a very good cook", but Sister Patterson begged to differ.
She spat out the lobster and the cake; didn't care much for the soup or the "gooey" rice. But she thought the salad was delicious.
(I like Real a lot. I like his hair even more. Not to take anything away from him. How hard is it to prepare a salad?)

And then came the drama.
Discussing today's challenge, Sister Patterson remarked Chance isn't fit to be a father and that set Chance off. Turns out Chance is a dad and the comment really hurt him.
Chance went off and said he got to go. He also spat a whole lot.

At the front-door New York told Mr. Boston this is "the best date I've been on" and "let's go straight upstairs" but the plan is stymied as New York spots Chance packing to leave.
She convinces him to stay much to Tango's chagrin
(as a side note, New York looked the best she ever has in the confessional. She had a dead-straight weave that was banging)
(Hair is my profession. Her hair was banging like a dead drummer.)

Whiteboy, the little girl that he is, whispers to Chance that Tango was running his mouth to Sister Patterson after his melt-down at dinner.
(I heard Whiteboy loud and clear. He did not whisper. And why Tango couldn't say that shit to Chance's face?)

Chance confronts Tango, but Tango doesn't back down and suspects there is a third party behind the argument, asking Chance, "who puffed you up?"
(never heard that slang before)
And as he and Chance confront each other, the contestant formerly known as manly (Whiteboy) hides behind the wall; eavesdropping.
(He wasn't hiding behind no damn wall. And Whiteboy is ALL MAN.)

Tango and Chance chill out eventually; but in the confessional Chance says, "if I had an Uzi, I woulda put holes all up in that ass"
(Boy, shut the f*ck up!)
(I second that...shut up Chance.)

The next morning, we learn there's another challenge and this time they are going to the gym to burn off the frustration of living in a mansion, with all your needs catered to.
(Uh?)


Pt2