I Love New York Episode 5 recap

We waited two weeks for this?
Two weeks probably wasn't enough of a wait for this episode because it was straight poppin (that's some fake-ass lingo in ode to Whiteboy)
( Oh, I got an Ode for you but I am going to save it for e-mail!)

So let's get to it, but be warned, I just might be a little bitter.
(WTF is new, you are a bitter man.)

Episode 5 had a slow start in Mr. Boston's bedroom with 12 Pack (brushing his teeth) inviting him (Boston) to the gym to work on his body.
12Pack had good intentions, saying "when I train someone I want them to look just like me"; but this is Mr Boston we are talkin' bout, yo.
Dr 90210 and Oprah's make up guy couldn't make him look like 12 Pack.
(Neither was that gallon of orange juice.)

I don't want to go all Heat on the readers; but 12 Pack ain't a bad-looking fella.
(raises eyebrow)
(Irre are you watching?)


Anyway, my gay moment was interrupted by whom else? Chamo!
Chamo was dressed in white Charlie's Angel shorts that clung to his groin for dear life (yeah I watched)
That boy is just too gay; however, one of our commenters saw him in Popeye's® recently and swears he didn't look gay at all.
He also said he wore a bleached jeans, tight shirt and brown Pumas
(yeah, that's gay enough for me)

So Chamo's challenge is actually a basketball challenge and the boys quickly gear up and are driven to Venice Beach (j) for a bit of B-ball.
Immediately Tango starts organizing shit and advises the guys to run drills which admittedly some of them desperately need. Not Chance though, Chance is hood and "play ball is all you do in the hood"
(Get the f*ck outta here...your hood has Arabian horses and jeri-curl!)
( Chance I had nothing to do with that comment.)

New York announces that she enlisted professional help for this challenge which sets off speculation and raised eyebrows.
The professional help turns out to be Tamara Moore, a guard from the LA Sparks.
(Who? I didn't know the WNBA still exists)
( Yeah, bitch it does....you want some?)

The competition's rules are one on one against Tamara. You score a basket; you win. You don't; you lose.

Chance goes first and drives at Tamara but she stands up her man and forces a bad shot. It's her possession now and she takes it to the hole (that's basketball jargon)
(might be lesbian jargon too)
( Why does every female who has skills and doesn't look like a Playboy Playmate get tagged as a lesbian? Why people, why?)
12 Pack is next - loser

And then Real proves once again why I like his ass (not his ass-ass. You know what I mean)
Real recognises that Tamara Moore is sexy as hell and when she has possession he pretends he's guarding her but takes the opportunity to feel her butt (heh)
(damn, Persia choked again. Get outta here with that cryin' shit)
(That's what happens when you strip the act from a fronter)
( Looks down this MFer is really itching for me to cut him.....Steups takes Whiteboy hateration to the 9th degree.)

And that's the perfect segue to Whiteboy.
It's Whiteboy's turn to take on Tamara, and like any fake-baller who steps to a girl, he pulled up and took a shot. The guy took a shot from the arc against a girl.
I don't care what Gloria Steinem says, that shit is just unmanly. I ached in my groin when he did that.
But, whateva...he won.
( Aching in the groin, don't have nothing to do with the 'Swagger Man's' skills....seek medical attention promptly.)

Next comes Tango. Now, Tango worries me. Tango worries me a lot.
This dude has become so sweet he's making ants crawl on my television.
Tango drives on Tamara but finds himself taking a fade-away jumper and dislocates his shoulder!
Wtf?
*shaking my head

To compound matters he calls a T-O (TIMEOUT)
Wtf?
Whiteboy clowned him for a minute and for once my mind synched with Whiteboys'
(I felt a strange light-headedness and saw Quanda winking at me)
(the wink made me shiver)
( I like you at this moment. Did you notice my baby has hoop skills? I am shivering too.)

But back to the show. Tamara asked the Tan-man (rolls eyes) if he was okay and if he'd come at her later.

Luckily Rico stepped to the plate because the estrogen level was just too high when Tango was on the screen.
Rico knocked Tamara to the floor with a shoulder-bump (wowwwwwww)
Then he faked her out before stroking a high-arching jumper that found nothing but net.
Damnnnnnnnn.
( Hmmph...hmmph....hmmph Quanda quiero Rico mucho.)

Boston had a go too; but who cares, he lost.
( What you gonna let his double dribbling ass just slide?)
And Tango returned to embarrass himself further.
( Well at least he tried....LMAO.)

So, that meant Rico and Whiteboy squared off to win a date with New York. To win you needed 3 baskets and Whiteboy won
Yeah, the dude hit two jumpers and schooled Rico for the third.
(At this point you realise Rico is a runner-up guy. A guy who's nice enough but not enough enough. You know what I'm saying?)
( Wow, you are so right! He is my runner up too.)

So Whiteboy wins the date (and I picture Quanda in her dressing gown chewing on her nails) (Life is sweeeeeet)
( Imagine me in a red bra and matching panties, stomach turning. Can CHAMO get some love? He was working out those cheerleader moves!)
But before the date 12 Pack and Real scheme and prepare an after-date ceremony for New York.
But where's Tango?

Oh, there he is.
Tango knocks on New York's bedroom door to let her know he's off to the hospital to sort his arm out (sort your balls out too while you're there)

The Date
New York is dressed in an adorable hooped mini-dress perfectly 'accessorized' with her sexy body..
And Whiteboy? Well I thought he looked like Sean Paul before, but today he was dressed like a broke-ass Ru Paul in his fly jacket and a shirt too corny for Old Navy.
( Whiteboy is all man baby! And I must say New York was working the hell out of that dress.)

At the restaurant Whiteboy is macking, feeding New York with his finger and feigning to lick her. *wiping tears
I remember someone saying Whiteboy is a licker, well they are dead right; he looks like he 'licka some ass' (uses Ricky Ricardo voice)
Hello!

Yet, for all my hating; New York seems to like him; saying things that hurt me like "there is no denying the chemistry" and "you give me butterflies"
Wtf?
( Yes, I get those same butterflies. I know all too well.)

Whiteboy (in the confessional) says "it was peaceful, I actually got to clear my mind"
(I wonder how long that took)
( Half the time it would take you.)

And if my night couldn't get worse, New York leans to her side and retrieves a wrapped gift from the side of her feet.
Noooooooooo! Not a gift?

Yes,a gift. A Gianto watch!
A gianto is like $600
Wtf?
( A classy move on her part or VH-1 for that matter.)

I was about to go Pumkin on the television until New York brought me back.
She and Whiteboy kissed and New York said, "he gnashes at me. He gnaws at my bottom lip"
"He gotta learn how to kiss"

THUD!
(I fall to the floor)
( Get the f@#% up. He can kiss me like that anytime he wants.)

The date ends and they return home only to open the door and be greeted by Real and 12 Pack, dressed in tuxedos with roses in hand.
It's about to go down now.

Pt2.