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Where Does An Old B@tch Begin?

This is my first full recap. And it may be my last ...Steups is the recap man and well it's his blog. You all never realize how much 'drama' goes on behind the scenes on this blog. Babies let me tell you, some people in e-mail behave like 'Cujo' on steroids. It gets ugly up in my e-mail. But have no fear ...I am a pit bull on crack. I will f@ck a muthaf@ckah up...trust.

Anyhow, Q. is about to recap 'Charm School' Episode 2. And Episode 2 was off the chain! I absolutely loved it. The girls have settled in and they are showing their @sses (some literally). I love these women. And watching Episode 2 reminded of why I loved 'Flavor of Love' so very much. As a VH-1 viewer I rather watch women being catty than men being b@tches. And that is on the real folks. Thank God for estrogen power. The only thing that could make 'Charm School' better in my mind is ...if Whiteboy was a 'Kissing Instructor' in each and every episode. And Quanda cast as his assistant to demonstrate how to properly kiss, fondle his body, rip off his clothes, lick my.....Oh my goodness, I am so sorry! My apologies, I am all caught up and twisted by that man's swagger. Let us get on with this recap before I start perving his mySpace page again.

'Charm School' Episode 2 begins with a shot of a melon colored room. We hear a 'heavenly' voice singing 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' and it's Heather one of The Balcony Brawlers. I may never get a Krazy interview after this comment. But to hell with it ..."Why the f@ck is Krazy singing nursery rhymes?!" I am sorry Nevaeh but d@mn baby sing something like 'Come to Me' or the chorus to T-Pain's 'Buy U a Drink' ..."Ohh, ohh, ohh we in the the bed like ohh, ohh, ohh." Just don't make no d@mn sense to me. Becky The Blackest White Girl is getting dressed in her 'Charm School' uniform. Then we flash to the Charmfessional where Buckwild shares a tidbit with us, " Heather really thinks she's Diana Ross or something. Like super diva of all divas walkin' around the house like she Mariah Carey. I am just like shut the hell up." Thank you Becky from the pits of my evil soul ....mwuahahahahaha.

Downstairs the 'Charm School' beauties are munching on some breakfast. D@mn they have a school intercom in that b@tch (b@tch = house). So Mo'nique chimes in on the intercom, "Good morning ladies. Please put on your full uniforms and meet me downstairs in the Grand Hall for your next lesson." We then see some pulling up of knee highs and lotioning of thighs. VH-1 sure in the hell keeps the male audience happy ...don't they? The ladies gather in the Grand Hall. Mo'nique reminds the 'Charm School' students of the third commandment; Thou Shalt Show Some Class. I'm thinking this is about to be a tough one. Mo'nique mentions something about representing yourself properly in public. And if you act a fool you'll be treated like a fool. ( All I have to say is let a b@tch cut me in line. It going to get crackin' ...wherever I am...word!) Mo'nique introduces the 'Charm School' Etiquette Coach Colette Swan. Whoa, no disrespect but this broad is stuffier than a 2 year old's booger filled nose during flu season. I felt a breeze and I wasn't even in the Grand Hall. Anyhow the lady has some sort of school. I should figure it out but to hell with details. I am not a commercial. All of the sudden we get to see Schatar The Crazy Girl (right?). Hottie is talking about being a direct descendant of royalty. Omg...this made me spit up my Cherry Coke. She also states that she has a grasp of proper etiquette. I wish she would grasp that she must brush her pet. Wig It is looking a bit tangle-ly. In spite of her own hair issues she looks to her left. Hottie notices that Heather is wearing red hooker heels. " You'd think she might know better. But maybe that's her day job."

Lawd hammercy, Miss Swan begins the lesson. She instructs Becky to walk and sit in the chair. She isn't too thrilled with The Blackest White Girl's performance. And informs her that she could see her Britney (think vagina ....HaHaHaHaHa). Colette is uppity but her humor is on point. Back to the Charmfessional, Becky is talking about letting Sargeant Jones see her little vagina. (Buckwild we need to talk!) Next is Goldie, and Colette tells her that she's swinging her butt. Message to Miss Swan ...when one has an @ss it swings ...thank you. We see a variety of the 'Charm School' students walk the carpet. Colette is merciless. And then it's Heaven's *coughs Heather's turn. The founder of Colette Swan's School of Etiquette notices her shoes. And she delivers her critique of Heather's shoe choice. She refers to the red hooker heels as "stripperish."

Now they must walk with books on their heads. Becky is first and struggles. Toasteee of all people states, "Becky is very unlady like. This girl has no charm." Oh hell another potential interview is about to go up in smoke. Ummmm....charmed any penises lately Jennifer? And the bigger question is, was it recorded? Fall back off of Buckwild ...enough typed. Cristal is next. She's not too enthused about messing up her Mohawk. She nails the walking with book on head. *claps Was it me or were the rest of you wanting to see how Saaphyri put the book on her head with that 'Pebbles' ponytail going on?

Moving on ...it's table manners time. Let us all say a prayer for Darra The Slob. While some of you are sleeping on Like Dat. This thicky thick sister is bringin' her 'A' game. And I am loving it. Miss Swan shows the ladies hand signs to make at the table to help them remember the proper placement of things. I instantly thought gang signs at the table. I wasn't the only one. Saaphyri in the Charmfessional says, " In my neighborhood or at my table , with my family ...if we would've thrown up some gang signs we would've got slapped across the head...." Smiley is looking confused. I will say she is a looker. Courtney The Puker takes her turn in the Charmfessional. Oh Goldie, "D@mn b@tch, open your ears. It's not that hard." Colette asks the confused Leilene The Crier to make a toast. And she delivers one with clinks on top of clinks.

Alrighty, we discover that 'The Bachelor' Andrew Firestone is coming to evaluate the 'Charm School' ladies. Andrew is a cutie. He is going to be judging the girls on grace, poise and being able to handle yourself in any situation. The 12 remaining students must pick a partner to sit and chat up Andrew. Their goal is to outshine their partner. The six ladies that charm Mr. Firestone get to eat dinner with him. And the two who outshine the others get to have dessert. The one who outshines the other during dessert gets to present a wine for the Firestone winery.

Krazy's dress and suits are missing. The culprit is Schatar. Poor, poor victim Heather she is ripe for slaughter. We see crying, excessive whining and screaming from Heather. Huh...how about look for your dress?! Pumkin being a sweetie, searches for the missing attire. Missing attire found, Heather puts on her $400 dress. It's a nice dress ...I don't know about $400 though. ( I am cheap and on a budget.)

So the pairs sit on a love seat and chat up Mr. Firestone. *Quanda blinks eyes $$$.

Darra The Slob vs. Saaphyri The Fighter = The Slob wins.
Cristal The Egomaniac vs. Buckeey The Balcony Brawler = The Egomaniac wins.
Courtney The Puker vs. Leilene The Crier = The Crier wins.
Becky The Blackest White Girl vs. Jennifer The Porn Girl = The Blackest White Girl wins.
Brooke The Spitter vs. Larissa The Hater = The Hater wins.
Schatar The Crazy Girl vs. Heather The Balcony Brawler = The Crazy Girl wins.

So the six victorious 'Charm School' charmers sit to have dinner. I remember one person at dinner. It was Cristal The Egomaniac. She basically said, " I ...I ...well I ...personally...I ...I ...I" Yep, I remember Cristal. Thank God, Andrew remembered more than I. He selects Darra and Schatar to share dessert with his cute $elf. Darra is serving it. She is showing poise and grace. Schatar sees this and pulls out all of the stops. We see tears of grief based on her physician mother's car accident. The accident apparently left her mother stuck in a wheelchair for two years. (Is this a true story? Or did she pull that out of her @ss?) Bottom line

Schatar comes out the winner. Andrew Firestone chooses Schatar to present a new product presentation. Schatar is overjoyed. She gives a victory walk/dance and then regains her composure. Darra feels conned and robbed ...LMAO.

Back in the room Brooke has displayed Schatar's allege dirty panties over her picture. Brooke shame on you! Schatar the queen of composure or delusions doesn't let it ruffle her feathers a bit. I love it when that woman blinks.

People, I am not cut out for recaps. But I said I'd do it. So moving right along next day...Schatar's limousine swoops her up for her Firestone presentation. Flash to Schatar arriving at the Firestone winery. She steps out to greet Andrew. As they make their way inside she trips AND FALLS. I love Hottie *coughs Schatar. (VH-1 please I need a Schatar Show. If I have to write it... I will.) Inside Schatar greets her audience of seven. They look a little miffed. She carries on with her presentation. As she uncovers the display ...it crashes to the ground. *spits up Cherry Coke

The eleven remaining 'Charm School' students must cook lunch for Mo'nique. Mo'nique being no one's fool, has her cookbook 'Skinny Cooks Can't Be Trusted' available to assist the ladies. Everyone helps with the preparing of a lovely meal. Did I type everyone? My bad, Leilene was too busy talking to herself. Trying to apparently coax herself into cooking ...wtf?! So she makes grilled cheese sandwiches ...yummy yum.

Back at the winery ...when all is done Andrew thanks Schatar and says goodbye. Andrew's conclusion she needs refinement in the dress code.

Back to the Mo'nique meal. The girls turn on Leilene for not helping out. The crier cries and says she is willing to learn if given the proper tools. Does the 'Charm School' kitchen lack utensils? Were there not groceries? Did you not see the cookbook? Whatever ....who said "Me love him long time."? Oh yeah thanks Courtney. Cristal The Egomaniac talks more about herself at lunch. That 'Charm School' babe can talk!

Bringin' it in ... we are at the 'Explosion' Ceremony. Mo'nique calls down Larrissa The Hater, Heather The Balcony Brawler and Cristal The Egomaniac. I know Cristal ain't goin' home. One she's eye candy for the male, lesbian and bisexual audience. Two, egomaniac or not she is one funny girl. They didn't focus on Larrissa too much. Even though she was looking evil chumping on that bagel. So that leaves Heather a.k.a. Krazy up for slaughter. And yep... she is expelled for always being a victim. *waves bye to Nevaeh

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