Rock of Love~ Recap Wahad

*Walks into a Knuts of the Round Table (blog actually) 'Rock of Love' premiere viewing in tight black leather booty shorts and stiletto boots.

Steups, Jane, Electra, Revenge, Lareigna, Meale, Shawn, Sanyo, Ivory, Licious, Bhatti, Misterballer, 3pm, Gigi, Mr. New York, John, Mai Tye, TxShawty, Dana, Bubo the Hater and anonymous Knuts stare in utter disgust and disbelief. Finally Revenge manages to speak, "What the hell Q.?! Where is your armor?"

"Well it's the 'Rock of Love' premiere and I thought armor was inappropriate. This is my rocker chick look."

"Q. you know I love you right?"

"Of course Revenge."

"Mama, (long pause) cellulite should not be oozing out of those shorts. And Ma your gut is hanging over your shorts. Stretch marks and leather don't compliment one another. You aren't looking rocker chick. You are looking hookerfied. Mr. New York go grab a blanket so we can cover Q. up and watch 'Rock of Love'."

Minutes later Mr. New York returns with a blanket and covers Q.'s unsightly ensemble. The Knuts of the Round Blog in their relief realize it's 8:59pm and quickly tune into VH-1.

'Rock of Love' begins. We see Bret Michaels on his way to mansion somewhere in the Hollywood Hills. He's riding a motorcycle with a yellow checkered taxi cab paint job. His helmet befitting a 'Rock God' has a skull and cross bones prominently displayed on the front. We see a snippet of him in the Rockfessional. He tells us what he is searching for in a woman. Basically, she has to be hot, cool, sexy, and be able to deal with insanity. She has to understand the rock'n'roll is his one big love. Rock'n' Roll is an insatiable bitch goddess. The woman he chooses has to be ready for a threesome with this goddess. (I am thinking one too many insulin shots.)

We get to see several of his options in the Chickfessional sharing their insights. Brandi M. shares, "I'm going to win over Bret Michaels in the end. Because I'm sexy, seductive and these girls have nothing on me." (Come on you aren't the only one with a va jay jay.)

Magdalena shares,"He's going to be my man so keep trying but it' not going to happen." (Is she the illegitimate daughter of Barry White?)

Erin shares, "I was named Miss Hooters of Illinois. And I have the tools to get what I want because of that." (I can't argue that point. If you know how to fry chicken wings Hooters' style, the world is your oyster.)

Raven shares, "One of my favorite songs is 'Every Thorn Has it's Rose' ... It's a beautiful song. It has heart, soul and a depth to it." (Rod may very well have a point.)

Just when I decide I need to lay out on the floor and laugh at some of these women. Poison's lead singer, Bret Michaels rolls up the driveway to the clapping, cheering, titty bouncing, screaming 25 'Bret Beezys'. Mr. Michaels introduces himself to the ladies. Minutes later he introduces Big John, head of security to the excited women. Mr. Michaels announces he is off to shower. Big John alone with the 25 women gives out some important rules.

1. No one enters Bret's room unannounced.

2. No one touches the guitars.

3. No one throws up in the jacuzzi.

(Call The Q. crazy but all of those rules are going to be broken.) He swiftly points to Meredith and informs her that he needs her to stay back for a second. He points next to Tiffany, Kim, Kelly and last Pam. The other 20 women are told to go inside and get comfortable. The 5 ladies remaining are told their tour ends here and their bags are up the hill.

D@MN!

People that was brutal. I shed a tear. (Okay, I admit I was cutting onions at the time. Hey but I did shed a tear.) One of the ladies decided she wasn't going home. Tiffany declared she was getting back into the house.

Inside the 'Rock of Love' mansion, the 'Bret Beezys' are following Big John's instructions to get comfortable. Comfortable (for reality television virgins) means find the booze. (Were they thirsty or what?)Heather appears to be the friendliest bartender ever. Many of the 'Bret Beezys' make a toast with Heather. Tamara is near the stairs snacking away with a beverage in her hand. We witness food falling out of her mouth & down into her cleavage. Lacey notices a drum set and starts banging away. Tamara shares in the Chickfessional that Lacey is trying too hard. Brandi C. and Kristia decide to be best friends and Barbie twins. If that isn't enough they have the brilliant idea that they'll be the best girlfriends for Bret.

One of the 5 women Big John sent home earlier returns, determined to get into the mansion. Yes, it's Tiffany. She knocks and then bangs on the door like a S.W.A.T. team. Several women hear the banging. Not one of them think to open the door. *wonders if Rule 4. was no one opens the door Big John finally opens the door. He steps outside to talk to Tiffany. She asks why she was cut. He informs her it was nothing personal. She goes into begging mode, "I'm a big fan of his. I had a hat made. I came all the way from Chicago.....I'll do anything." (Pootie is from Chicago too.) Big John is as soft as Stone Cold Ice Cream. He tells her to get her bags. Tiffany enters the mansion to the dismay of many of the other women."

Meanwhile in a bedroom, we witness Brandi C., Kristia, Lauren, Erin, Tawny and Krista having an enriching conversation regarding breasts implants. We learn Erin has Gummy Bear implants (WTF!) Brandi C. asks to touch them. Erin agrees. The rest of the women squeal and giggle with excitement. In the Chickfessional Brandi C. shares, ".....I love my boobs. They are the best birthday present I got form my parents last year."

We see Brandi M. eating an apple, looking evil. Big John announces that he needs everyone in the main room. He wants them to line up single file. They are about to meet Bret Michaels one on one. The women line up as instructed. Bret enters the room. The squealing begins. *wonders if he ever tires of the squealing He smiles and touches several hands. Chickfessional time with Brandi C., "He's Tan. He's blond. And we probably look like brother and sister a little bit. But that's hot."

Back to the 'Rock of Love' stud muffin, Bret informs the ladies he will be taking their photos. First up is the southern beauty Cindy. Bret is feeling her physique and thinks she's hot. Cindy gets the first kiss of the night. Magdalena in the Chickfessional states, "......manly....." *coughs 'your voice' coughs Tiffany is next. I need help!!! I am not going to make it through this recap with all of Tiffany's foolishness. Tiffany kisses Bret and then poses for her photos. In the Rockfessional Bret's shares, "When I look at Tiffany, part of her says just make love to me right now. And then there's a part of her that says 'I am on a lot of chemicals right now.' Strange but it just kind of turned me on." (I hit the floor on that one, unbelievable.) We quickly see Raven, Krista, Tawny, Sam, Bonnie, Dallas and Mia take their turn in front of the camera. It's Magdalena's turn. Refusing to be out done; Bret and she share a slob fest of sorts. Bret is loving her long clean shavin', smooth legs that run up to her @ss. * thinking doesn't every one's legs run up to their @sses? I think Mr. Michaels gets a woody. Things speed up again (unlike this recap). Jes, Lacey, Kristia, Brandi M., Tamara, Erin, and Brandi C. pose up a storm for Bret. Things slow down when it's Lauren's turn. My fingers are truly at a lost to what to type. Lauren seemed as confused and stunned as a priest in a brothel. She was like a deer caught in headlights. Jessica's turn was next. *sighs VH-1 you were so very wrong for the breaking the lens special effect (funny but wrong) . It's Heather's turn. A woman of her word; Heather doesn't hesitate to show Bret what she is working with in the breasts department. In the Chickfessional she shares, "...Bret's taking all these sexy shots of all these dumb @ss broads. They don't know shit about sexy. I'll show them sexy." Heather takes some awesome rock 'n' rollish pictures.

Erin disapproving of Heather says, "I am not going to lower myself to a stripper whore level. Obviously, I am not trying to cover them up (her own implants). Heather the whore is a 32 year old stripper flashing her titties on T.V. In a sense, I feel sorry for her." (Is this not the same woman earlier bragging about being named Miss Hooter of Illinois? And that she has all the tools to get what she wants?) *smh

Back to Heather, "Men always like boobs. If you got a nice rack show them." (OMG, these women are going kill me, too funny.) Photo shoot now over, the mixing and mingling with Bret and the 21 women begins. Watching Bret mingle with the various women; I like him. He is down to earth, strangely normal. He has no signs of arrogance you'd expect of a 'Rock God'. There is no overinflated ego that I can sense. You really get that he is looking for a 'monogamous friends with benefits' situation. Tiffany gets wasted. She becomes obnoxious and belligerent. She even heckles Heather on the pole saying, "She ain't shit." She tries to show her own pole skills. *sighs It ain't cute. She irritates the heck out of Dallas, Brandi M., Jes, Magdalena and Faith. Faith irritates me when she starts interrogating Tiffany about her reasons for being there. You know the woman is drunk, let her be. Tiffany starts crying. Simply folks; she's a train wreck. However, Tiffany does manage to dry hump Bret in front of the Barbie twins. During the mingling Bret is really feeling Cindy, Heather, Jes, Sam and Lacey. Sexually I think he has it bad for Brandi M., Tamara and Magdalena. Brandi C. is annoying him to no end. However, she's cute with implants.

The elimination ceremony begins. Cindy gets the first V.I.P. Pass. Last V.I.P. Pass is given to Brandi C. The surprise is that Bret (and producers) want Tiffany to stay in the mansion. He knows what it is to be wasted. And he wants to give Tiffany another chance, plus she has entertainment value (ratings). Who was sent home? Jessica, Bonnie, Lauren, Raven and Krista had their tours ended. Sixteen 'Bret Beezys' remain.

A recap Qmoment!