I Love New York Episode 9 recap

Before I begin the recap of Episode 9, are there any Rome (HBO) fans on the website?
The sex scenes on that show make me wanna lick the tv or some shit like that...
Anyways.

The opening shot are of the men in their respective rooms; Tango is alone while the Stallionaire Brothers slept on adjoining beds. The mood is sombre because tonight's elimination is important.
Why? Because everyone knows the Final Two receive a trip; and you know you Americans don't go nowhere
(I threw in that double negative just for good measure)

Real seems down and though he warns, "I will turn into Cain and destroy Abel" he fixates on teaming up to eliminate Tango. But Tango's fixation is on winning and he repeats his leave-a-note trick and once again it works.
The note read:

I pray to God that you continue to play the right hand.
With true love,
Tango.

For some reason that inspires New York to "change clothes" and run over to Tango to sit on his lap. Her outfit is too short everywhere and I can see her boobs and vagina.
(I have HDTV, holla.)
(Hallelujah Holla Back)

Looking into his eyes she says, "ever since you left me in Palm Springs, I cannot get my mind off you. There is something about you that moves my soul"
(didn't she say that same shit to Whiteboy?)
Tango is blushing but becomes very serious when New York asks, "do you love me?"
"I love you", Tango replies.
(Isn't black love beautiful?)
( All love (even fake) is beautiful.)

***Scene ends***

"Good morning caballeros", Chamo says, before handing a note to Real.
The note says the moms are coming and mindful of LA traffic, they are making staggered appearances. Real's and Chance's mother is first and Tango's mom will visit the next day.
The news prompts Tango to exclaim, "that's big for me right now"
(Tango talks funny)

There is no time to waste however and the Stallionaire Brothers race upstairs to get dressed. Their shirts of choice are 'Stallionaire t-shirts' and as if they're reading our minds Chance apologizes...."I am not here like Trends handing out CD's"
(sure you aren't)

Moments later their mom arrives. Her name is Claudia; and as moms go; she's alright. She was probably a beautiful woman two decades ago...but not everyone ages like Rick Springfield and Tina Turner.
Her first impression of New York is perfect...."she is a beautiful lady that the guys are fighting for." And later describes New York as "absolutely gorgeous"
(laying it on a bit thick don't you think)
( No you, DJ Bucky Blends & Mr. New York think she is ...why can't their mom?)
The date with the mom is a visit to Temecula to play with horses, hence the reason Chamo addressed them as "caballeros"
(I know that word because I had a Cuban girlfriend who called me that -wink, wink)

On the ride there, Sister Patterson says, "he's kind of aggressive Chance is."
(she looks like Vader and talks like Yoda, hmmmn)
And Claudia agrees. (Wtf?)

Encouraged by that, Sister Patterson asks, "what would Real provide for New York?"
"He's so compassionate and so spiritual", avers Claudia.
(is it normal for a mom to talk about her son like that?)

And she goes further to say he writes 4-page letters with rose petals
(how do you know that? I have a bad feeling about this)

Finally they arrive at the ranch and New York is understandably nervous given her previous encounter with a horse. But Real assures her it'll be alright and later Chance persuades her to touch the horse with an outstretched hand.

Seizing the moment Chance does a bit of showing-off with the horses, performing tricks that looked suspiciously like standing there doing not a damn thing. But what do I know.
The tricks upset Real who described him as a "son of a bitch"
(come on dude, not with your mother around)

And those very tricks, which still looked like not a damn thing to me, impressed New York who described it as "stroking" and went further to say, "the way Chance stroke those horses made me want to stroke something else."
( Was New York a cat in a past life? She is in heat 24/7 or am I crazy?)

It was time to eat though after the excitement of stroking horses and all that, so they gathered at the table to chow down. New York seem besotted by Chance as much as everyone else was disgusted by his antics.
Real too was embarrassed, and asked New York, "do you want children?"
"Three", she replied
"Do you want a twenty-something stepchild too", Real replied -referring to Chance
(wonders why I used that quote now that I've written it)

New York continues to ignore Real and overplays her obsession with Chance; it's almsot deliberate.
More than almost in fact, for she soon confesses, "I've never had two brothers fight for me before. I find it erotic"
(she really is a bitch isn't she?)
( She's a squandering b@tch!)

Chance and Real continue to go at it and the scene breaks to show Claudia saying, "I think Real is better for her"
(that ain't right. Mothers ought to be neutral, no?)
The fighting gets the better of Chance and he walks off to visit the horses because animals "calm him down".

As he (Chance) walks away, Real advises New York, "if you want Flavor Flav 2 then go on with him"
(She's already had Flavor Flav 2)

Alone together, Real confesses, "I don't want to have to fight for you. I'd rather back the hell out"
(Oh dear, don't these guys ever learn?)
"Then why the fuck did you come here", was New York's obvious reply.

Looking on at the couple (Real and New York) Sister Patterson remarks, "they would have beautiful children". And Claudia seems to agree!

***The VH1 Editors interrupt with their best guess of what their child would look like. It turns out to be a mini-Flavor Flav (too funny, that was)***

The date is winding up and Claudia inexplicably says "I would love New York to be my daughter-in-law. I Love her dearly"
(Wtf? That was quick. This woman is too nice to be true)


Before they leave, America's Next Top Mom has a conference with Real and Chance to let them know that their fighting will "really break my heart"
(come on now, is she acting?)
Claudia cries, and her tears and the melancholy overwhelm Chance who sheds a few himself.
She walks away, leaving the brothers to sort it out on their own. This they do thanks to a Churchillian speech from Real who preached something like "this is life, it's life. We are brothers, it's blood....nobody's gonna tear us apart"
(This from the fucker who says he'll turn Cain on your ass)

The brilliant speeches don't end there. New York says Chance's thug-card hasn't been pulled because of those tears because, "soldiers cry, dogs cry and doves cry (lmao). We cry, we all fucking cry"
(She is just fucking brilliant)
( Those eyelashes that look like Hoover vacuum brushes are brilliant.)

***Date ends***

The next day comes and the anticipation builds for Tango's mother's arrival; but Chamo mucks it up with the most ridiculous ensemble he's worn all season. His choice today was a purple blouse and tights (no lie)
Gay, transsexual or whatever; that shit was inappropriate.

Oddly enough, Tango's mom was nonchalant; which suggests the taping of that scene had many takes.
Preparing to meet his mother New York says Tango is more mature than Real or Chance, possibly because "turtles do live a lot longer than humans"
(lmfao)

Eventually New York meets Tango's mom and her first impression is not a good one..."she's a little on the plus-size."

Their date takes them to tango lessons because, Tango's name is Tango, I guess; and some fool at VH1 thought that was clever.
We learn however, that Tango's mom was a professional dancer and for that reason he was so named -Tango.
This date is as boring as yesterdays but Tango is being a good son, paying lots of attention to his mother.
(Err, Tango; remember what happened the last time you ignored New York?)

I'll answer for you...'she got upset', and she was just as upset today and told us about it, "I am pissed off because Tango is paying so much attention to his mom. He's being a little bitch"
(isn't black love beautiful?)
( I wouldn't call this 'black love'? I miss Whiteboy.)

New York continues, "I prefer Claudia because she looks like she knows how to apply makeup and look like a woman". "I'm a jealous woman, he has to see now that I am his mama"
(this woman is crazy)
( Anyone ever watch 'Play Misty'?)

They move on to have dinner and New York is being obnoxious and reveals to the viewers that she is deliberately ruining dinner because "Tango's mom is boring me. She's acting like a brick-wall....plain....and big"

She and Tango argue over Chance and we have this uncomfortable situation of her defending another man while addressing another with his mom looking on. She admits that Chance has been abusive and rude, causing Sister Patterson to turn to Tango to say "handle Chance or I will"

The date ends and Paula (Tango's mom) says her advice to Patrick (Tango) is "if he's prepared to deal with her...Fine! If not, I want him to run as fast as he can to the border"
(lol...granny got jokes)

***Date ends***

Back at the mansion Sister Patterson asks Chance to join her outside.
At the garden table she tells him he's "a little bit too immature and rambunctious" and asks him to "come closer".
At this point she offers him $5000. He balks and she offers him double ($10000) ..."if she gives you a chain tonight; and you accept my offer, you give her back the chain"

"You serious like this?" is all Chance could say.
Sister Patterson gets up and kisses him...on the lips. On the lips!
Sister Patterson kissed Chance on his fucking lips. I swear I felt a tinge when she did that; that shit was a turn-on. And anyone who says differently is lying. ( That was the coldest Sister Patterson move yet. That is some 'Kiss of Death' sh#t ...right there. LOL.)

Chance was unimpressed and said "the kiss from Sister Patterson taste like Old Lady perfume"
(lmao)

Chance returns to the mansion and informs Real and Tango that Sister Patterson offered him a a bribe.
All that's left is the elimination ceremony (looks at watch).
(Only 40 minutes have gone...this seems way too quick I am thinking)

After deliberation the guys gather at the usual spot and New York appears looking delicious in a burgundy colored dress...
( New York did look great. This will be my last public positive statement about New York.)

(But why do we need twenty minutes for an elimination ceremony?)

Pt2